One dollar is worth eight hryvnias...
He's delirious.
He's delirious after reading your book.
PLUTARCH'S LIVES
You don't say, Herodotus!
The lad is flustered.
The whole nation has been entrusted to him.
He should be happy.
His children and their children will be rich!
Listen, he's an honest person.
That's going to be a problem.
He wants to serve and better the nation.
A reformer?
That's his doom.
Demos Russos...
The euro at five hryvnias, and only at five...
What does he want to change? What kind of social order do they have?
A democracy.
Well...
They call it a democracy.
And what's his goal?
Anarchy?
Centralism?
Centralism...
Federalization?
What the heck are you doing? Let go of him!
The moonlight night, starry and clear...
Shining a brilliant gleam like the light of day...
Listen, Plutarch, was living under socialism that bad?
-Watch what you say! -Oh, right.
Autocracy should be the choice for change.
Tsar Goloborodko.
You see, he also likes it.
Do your math.
The tsar can't steal from his own.
But the others... They come, steal and leave.
Then successors come and steal some more.
Kings for a day.
What about now? Do the people live a poor life?
Well!
They lead the world in oil production.
-Olive oil? -Sunflower oil.
-Right. There is such a thing. -I see.
The world's third largest grain producer.
That's right.
They also make airplanes, combine harvesters, cars...
-Cars? Not really... -Tractors!
Right, tractors. That's good...
So what needs changing? They've got paradise.
But the country is facing default.
How is that possible?
Where's all the wealth going, then?
Into people's pockets.
-Pilfering. -Got it?
He has to do something, then.
They all steal... They steal...
-Change is needed. -That's what he wants.
Yes, it's quite a prickly situation.
Here, look...
Listen, Plutarch...
-This is Ukraine, right? -So?
-The center of Europe. -So?
Then I know what needs to be done.
Brilliant! Vasya, get up.
Vasya!
Rise, Vasya! Wake up!
-Awaken, Vasya! -Vasya, get up! Vasya!
Get up.
What needs to be done?
Get up, dear. It's already 7:30 a.m.
PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
-Oops, sorry. -Morning, Uncle Vasya.
The bathroom is all yours.
Thanks.
And my shirt...
Here are your shirts.
-Good morning, son! -Hi, Mom.
I didn't know what you'd wear, so I'm ironing them all.
Thanks very much.
And your patient?
Oh, please. No one's ever died from neuralgia.
Vasya!
That's a one-color shirt.
It doesn't matter. Thanks.
I didn't know which pair you'd wear, so I polished them all.
-Thank you. -Vasya!
Your coffee is getting cold.
Thanks, Dad.
Some tea, maybe? There's a fresh pot.
No. I thought beggars don't have servants.
Well, as the phrase goes, what you do today improves tomorrow.
I'll get the door.
-I'll answer it! -I will.
I'm perfectly capable of opening the door.
Does little Natasha live here,
who had a birthday yesterday?
Hi, baby sister.
"Hi, sister." Why are you such a killjoy?
Can't you joke around with me?
-Hold this. -Sure.
Take a hike downstairs.
I left two crates of strawberries there.
-I'll go. -No way!
Let this moocher be of some use. Off you go!
Before they get stolen. Give that to me.
Hi, Dad.
What's with the scary people outside, all in black? Did someone die?
Sveta!
What's wrong with your phone? We called you.
What's wrong with my phone? It broke. Why did you call? Did you miss me?
Sweetie, haven't you watched the news?
There's only one bit of news - a train driver got Vika pregnant.
-Mommy! -Honey!
What a nice polka dot dress.
Look who else is here.
Whose birthday was it yesterday?
I wanted to buy you a Dzidzio CD, but I couldn't find one anywhere.
It turns out the whole country listens to that rubbish.
You're still here? I told you, the berries could get stolen.
Am I not being clear?
Good morning.
Morning.
Thanks and goodbye.
Goodbye!
Dzidzio.
Good morning!
-These belong to you, right? -I'll take them!
Here you are.
Mr President, the limousine awaits.
If you're ready, we can go now.
Thanks.
Fine, Yuriy Ivanovich.
You explain it to her.
Later.
We must leave.
-Goodbye. -Goodbye.
Bye-bye.
So, we have to start preparing for the inauguration soon.
Regarding my speech,
I thought I'd...
There's no need.
I mean, it's good that you're thinking about it,
but we have special people for that.
So you don't have to clutter your mind with minutia.
You think it's minutia?
Well, I mean that the head of state shouldn't clog his priceless mind
with all sorts of trivialities.
You should have a cool head,
clear mind, clear thoughts
and, finally, a clean body.
Don't you agree?
-I suppose. -That's wonderful.
Then let me show you the Department of Health and Beauty.
Is this really necessary?
Oh, yes. On inauguration day, you should display to everyone
that our country is worth investing in.
Alright.
Right, this is Andre.
-The barber. -How do you do?
Vasyl Petrovych.
Yulian, the make-up artist.
Vasyl Petrovych. Vasya.
Valdemar, the beautician.
Mario, the wardrobe master.
-Stylist. -Stylist.
Excuse me. The stylist.
This is Sergio, the peeling master.
-Peeling? What? -Skin cleansing.
This is Rosario, architect of the tan.
Nice to meet you.
And this is...
The fitness trainer?
Wrong.
This is Lyosik.
He's the inspiration for the whole department.
You see, they don't have stimuli without Lyosik.
I understand.
Let's go.
Vasyl Petrovych, your manly, penetrating gaze indicates
that the country chose a worthy leader.
-Fedya, your personal motivator. -Motivator?
Yes, he raised the self-esteem of your predecessor.
By the way, how is yours?
How is my what?
Your self-esteem.
Oh, my self-esteem is okay.
My good man,
your services aren't needed.
And here we have...
the magic touch of Thailand.
Yun, Dao, Lao, Chun-Chian.
In short, back, neck, legs and earlobes.
Earlobes?
And he massages the...
But you don't need it yet.
-And the other remarkable specialists... -Great.
Well, miracle workers, shall we start fine-tuning the president?
In one hour, you'll feel like a million bucks.
Get down to it.
Pictured is Vasyl Petrovych Goloborodko,
born in 1978,
and a native of Kyiv.
Ethnicity is Ukrainian.
He was raised in a working class family.
His father was a builder. His mother is a neurologist.
His grandmother was quite well-known as a doctor of historical studies,
a professor, a publicist, a laureate of scholarly prizes.
The apartment the family currently occupies was given to her
for her great scholarly work.
He was summa cum laude as a high school graduate in 1997.
He enrolled in law school, but soon withdrew.
To get our subject into the school, his father bribed them.
When our subject found out,
he made a big fuss and enrolled at the history department.
He was a group president and captain of the college soccer team.
A bright student,
he lead student protests against a crooked professor.
He even went on hunger strike.
After 12 days, the professor resigned,
and the subject was hospitalized for malnutrition.
He's known for having staunch and strong moral qualities,
a Nordic temper, and for being ironclad and brave.
He graduated with honors.
The same year, he married Olga Mischenko. A year later, their son, Dima, was born.
That summer, they vacationed in Berdyansk.
For the record, the subject has never travelled abroad.
Two years later, the couple got a divorce.
Neighbors said they argued constantly over their difficult financial situation.
The subject left the flat to his wife and child.
He lives with his parents.
He's been successfully employed at school number 521 for 12 years.
He's never had any arguments at work.
According to students, the subject is simply a saint.
He has no assets,
including a bank account.
He took out a loan to buy a microwave oven
and makes monthly payments of 74 hryvnias.
He's not a member of any political party,
hasn't taken part in paid-for rallies,
and doesn't have any bad habits.
Vasyl Petrovych!
You look incredible.
You'll outshine everybody.
Even Michelle Obama.
That's who he is -
Vasyl Petrovych Goloborodko.
Kyiv is preparing to host big-name guests.
Envoys of 47 countries voiced their intent to attend Goloborodko's inauguration.
Meanwhile,
the online community is cheerfully talking about mishaps in previous inaugurations,
and is wondering how the women of the Goloborodko family will be dressed.
Regarding who sets the attire standards on such events,
we have this report.
The USA's first lady is considered the premiere fashion icon.
Michelle Obama's wardrobe
is always grand.
She effortlessly combines chic with austerity, and elegance with luxury.
Honey!
What if I wear this?
Absolutely divine, Mom.
That's only fit for a Tony Bennett concert.
We'll match.
Mom!
I only have my graduation dress.
Nice bow.
Girls,
we need to go shopping, now.
I know a place that sells fake brand name clothes.
But we need money for that.
Don't worry.
-Dad! -What?
Do you really need an inflatable boat?
I saved for two years for it!
Don't moan.
...for the river!
Do you want us to go dressed in rags and embarrass Vasya?
I couldn't care less.
Wow, you're so tight!
Would you say a few words...?
I, as the president's family member...
Papa! No comment!
-A few words, please. -No comment.
Smile, honey.
Does the president have phobias? A mid-life crisis?
-Does the president like to swim? -Please, answer.
Attention!
Dear journalists...
Take note of this cute silver-haired person.
He's the president's godfather.
He'll gladly answer all your questions. Go ahead!
No, no, no!
That's not me.
Well, Vasyl Petrovych, meet the cogs in the state's machine.
Greetings.
-Valentina Nikolaevna, press attaché. -Pleasure.
Kirill Ivanovich.
Department of Foreign Policy.
Nice to meet you.
Tatiana Pavlovna, Department of Humanitarian Policy.
And this is Viktor Olegovich, Department of Foreign Humanitarian Policy.
It's all so confusing.
Don't you think some departments should be reformed?
We've thought plenty.
And we came up with the Reform Department.
Here's the department head,
Igor Alexeevich.
Now let's move on.
Anna Petrovna, your psychologist.
Sure thing.
Nina Vladimirovna. Anna Petrovna's psychologist.
No surprise there.
After what Anna Petrovna hears, she herself needs psychological aid.
Onward, Vasyl Petrovych.
Andrei Georgievich, Information Department.
And this is Grisha.
Hi, Vasyl Petrovych.
Hi.
The fine work by surgeon Livschits.
Do you like it?
In place of you, Grisha will open memorials,
drink with Lukashenko and die from sniper bullets.
But I think it won't come to that.
Anatoliy Semenych, Monitoring Department.
Petr Innokentyevich, Regional Policy Department.
This is Fedya.
And here's Karl Ignatyevich...
Fedya!
You're still here?
Mr President, it's amply clear
that an alpha-leader like you doesn't need a third-rate motivator like me,
but I trust you're wise and far sighted,
and you won't toss aside valued personnel.
I promise to think about it.
Take Fedya away.
No... But, Mr President...
Mr President!
I trust that you'll make the right choice with your kind heart and great mind.
He has a huge US dollar loan, so he's impossible to get rid of.
Well now, you're acquainted with the main personnel.
Yes, it looks like now we can get ready for the inauguration.
Certainly, but first I'd like to introduce you
to the presidential advisers and authorized agents.
Please.
Unfortunately, some are still on vacation.
Now what?
-What's our next move? -Who knows?
This Goloborodko is some kind of a holy being.
It's as if he makes bad things disappear.
My sentiment, too.
It'll be tough to get things done with him.
We must do something.
Gentlemen, let's not panic prematurely.
Let's wait and see.
Let this Goloborodko live the high life and see what being a president entails.
We'll just keep our eye open and...
-You think he'll change? -I don't think. I know.
Even honest folks, when given the chance, like to live at the expense of the state.
Can you please find a parking spot?
-Can you? You're going in circles. -Can you see a spot?
-Pull over here. Let them pass you. -Here!
Yeah!
Look... Forget it. It's too late.
There's not a single space left.
All the spots are filled, there's nowhere to park.
Yet there's an economic crisis.
Everybody's tight belts split, so they they're buying new ones.
Pop!
Unbelievable.
Okay, Papa. Drop us off and circle around.
No problem. Get out.
But don't take as long as you usually do.
With your 5,000 hryvnias, we won't be long, don't worry.
No slowing down. Follow me!
Natasha, stay with us.
Who are they?
The new president's family.
I'm famished.
And here's our breadwinner.
Greetings.
Officer Panko.
How are you, sir?
What's wrong, officer?
Did I break any laws?
Negative.
Then why did you pull me over?
There's a... There's a "Do Not Enter" sign.
Back there?
Sorry, officer. Somehow I didn't notice.
No worries. Forget about it.
The sign is just...
We're piloting it.
You know, whether the sign is needed there or not.
So what do you think?
Now it's clear
that it has no place whatsoever being there.
Wouldn't you say so?
I would.
May I go?
Sure.
Thanks.
No, it's absolutely impossible to work here.
Not to worry. We'll go home and prepare there.
How do you feel? Are you tired?
To be honest, yes. My head is spinning.
How can you know all their names?
They're mostly my relatives. Just kidding.
Acclimatize, Petrovych.
A politician loses as much weight in one hour as a blacksmith in one shift.
I'm not sure all of our politicians would qualify.
I like your sense of humor.
I think we'll use it in the inauguration.
By the way, about the inaugural speech...
I have an idea.
Just one? That's reassuring.
-So here it is... -Vasyl Petrovych, not now.
Don't rush ahead of people who know better.
After you.
-And you... -The other side.
Also, if it's not too much trouble,
please look into upgrading our motor-vehicle pool.
We've got nothing but junk.
I'll pass everything on to the president.
And personally, from me, please ask Vasyl Petrovych
to do something about that 95th Quarter show.
We've had enough of their traffic police jokes.
-I'll do what I can. -Thank you.
-I'll try. -Thank you.
Thanks very much!
Why are you standing there gawping? Open the trunk!
Sweet Jesus! Did you find a sack full of cash?
All that for 5,000?
Yeah, right.
Take your 5,000 back.
Get this, Grandpa. Sales everywhere! 100% discounts!
-Hurry, hurry! -It's an awkward feeling.
Perish the thought.
It's an honor to dress the family
of the president.
-Thank you! -Thanks!
Still standing? Get in.
-Thank you very much. -Let's go, Grandma.
Sveta!
Well, if the sale isn't over yet,
why don't I quickly dash in and buy a boat?
Relax, reindeer! There's your boat floating this way.
Take it while it's here.
You have nothing to say?
Do you have the same model, but in navy blue?
Tired, Vasyl Petrovych?
No.
-Do you like it here? -Very much.
Wow, is that the local history museum?
How silly. That's your home, Mr President.
Really?
Not on paper, but that hasn't stopped anyone before.
-That's all for now. We're here. -Thanks.
Careful.
Right this way.
The public servant's servants.
Greetings.
Hello, Mr President.
Shall I introduce them?
I don't remember all of them.
I'll introduce those I do.
-Yakov, the chef. -Hello.
-Svetlana, the food tester. -Yes.
-Boryslav, the butler. -Hello.
-And here's Silantyi, the stableman. -Stableman...
Tikhon the Fourth, the forest ranger.
Why the fourth?
Because not all presidents shoot accurately.
-Kidding. He's part of a dynasty! - Ah, a dynasty.
Mikhail Yurievich.
-Commander of the Brigantine. -Hi.
This is Liubomyr, the ostrich keeper.
The ostrich keeper?
Yes, of course.
He also cares for the coatis, platypuses and a hamadryas baboon.
What can we do? He combines jobs and we have to cut costs.
Understood.
And this is...
Kolya the shaman.
Do your knees hurt?
No. And yours?
My ailment differs...
Too early for you... A sedentary job, you see?
Stepan, the gardener.
Aksinia, the dish washer.
This is Fed... You again, Fedya?
Mr President!
Servicing the president's fleet!
From now on, the presidential ship's deck will shine like gold bars.
Alright, I get it.
Yuryi Ivanovich, Fedya needs some kind of job.
Thanks, Mr President! You have affirmed your reputation as a wise leader.
I'm bored! Vasyl Petrovych.
If you have no special wishes,
I propose that you eat and sleep.
-We'll continue tomorrow morning. -Okay.
-Goodbye! -Goodbye, Mr President.
-What's planned? -The inauguration rehearsal.
-We've barely worked. -Work isn't going anywhere.
-We have a bear here. It's white. -White?
And a grey one, too.
Like in that song about two happy bears.
-They were geese. -The geese flew away.
-To the south? -To Russia.
To Rostov...
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz