Ladies and gentlemen!
The president of Ukraine!
Then the trumpets play.
-Vasyl Petrovych. -Yes?
You're still seated. Get out of the limo.
-Stand here. -Yes.
Feet straight.
Close your eyes. Now open them. That's better.
Let's go. Go, go!
The honor guard commander will greet you here.
Dear Mr President... Blah-blah-blah. Shake his hand.
Shake it, shake it. Great. Keep going.
No slouching. Walk gracefully, and chin up higher.
Smile. The usual, light presidential walk.
-I won't be able to. -You can do it. We'll make sure of it.
Mind the steps.
-Three steps. Just like tomorrow. -Sure.
Naval cadets. Real lookers!
Don't forget to faint tomorrow.
Chin higher and no slouching.
-And stop here. Wonderful. Smile. -Oh, right.
Chin higher. And more.
Wow.
-The chandelier? A beauty. -Awesome.
-Eight million euros. -Really?
-The first president got it at auction. -Suburbia.
How about breakfast?
Thanks, but I'm not hungry.
Suit yourself. I'm digging in.
-Later. And then we climb the stairs. -Yes.
Guardsmen will stand here tomorrow. Smile and walk straight.
Along the marble steps. They're Italian. And antique.
Marie Antoinette climbed them, as well.
-Where to? -To the guillotine.
By the way, the chandelier used to be silver, but now it's gold.
-Remember the crash in 2008? -Sure.
-There it is. -Right.
-Now back upright, inhale, exhale. -I'm breathing.
-Actually, that's easy. -Seven filtration levels.
-Really? -Yes.
-Obama has six. -Interesting.
Your predecessor liked symbolism.
-Wow. -A birdie. Yanukovich!
You swallow!
-It talks. -It does.
Moving on... And stop here. Stand on the endangered-species book.
-The what? -It's made of 17 rare tree species.
-Really? -Yes. Now to the balcony.
-This way? -Yes, enter the balcony.
Here are the guests and members of Parliament. Wave. Wave your hand.
Bless them.
A by-product of the old job.
-Close your eyes. Now open them. -Yes.
That's definitely better.
PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
-The guardsmen open the door. -Okay.
Trumpets blow, there's applause, and then you enter!
The camera flashes for 20 seconds. It's easy.
-Smile. Keep smiling. -Right.
We'll work on your smile later. And now approach the rostrum.
Here we are.
-Mr President. -Yes?
Which one of us is the president?
-I am. -Exactly.
Then, perhaps, face the auditorium?
-Let's switch places! -I'm nervous.
Approach the rostrum and read the speech.
Oh, the speech. Alright.
My fellow countrymen...
-My fellow... -Never mind.
Sorry, my mistake.
We need to stretch your vocal range.
For starters, try: "bda, bdi, bdo, bdu!"
-Bda, bdi, bdo, bdu. -Outstanding.
-Bda, bdi, bdo... -Now a tongue twister...
Thus,
the opposition tried lobbying, lobbied, and failed to lobby.
As fast as that?
The opposition tried lobbying, lobbied, and failed to lobby.
-Walnuts. -No, thanks.
You must.
Why?
The opposition tried lobbying, lobbied, failed to lobby.
-I see. Good. -Okay.
-Like the Greeks? -Yes.
The opposition tried lobbying, lobbied,
and failed to lobby.
The opposition tried lobbying, lobbied, and failed to lobby.
-Superb. -Thanks.
Now a harder one...
There's a fisherman named Fisher, who fished in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin pulled the fisherman in.
There's a fisherman named Fisher, who fished in a fissure.
-Till a fish... -The fisherman in!
Till a fish pulled the fisherman in.
-Great. -Thank you.
-Excellent. Now my favorite... -Okay.
-Trotted Trump along the trail... -Then what?
Nothing. We've stretched our vocals!
Now let's read the speech.
I'll try.
My fellow...
Listen, could I say "dear Ukrainians" instead of "my fellow countrymen"?
-It's more sincere. -Sure!
Dear Ukrainians.
Good. But no muttering under your breath.
Right. Dear Ukrainians.
Superb. A little louder.
Dear Ukrainians!
By the same token, there's no need to yell.
Dear Ukrainians.
That's too fast.
-Got it. -More measured.
Dear...
Ukrainians.
Everybody has dozed off.
There's no need for such dramatic pauses. Please, Mr President.
Calmly, softer...
See, he's nervous.
-Pardon me. -Thanks, Yuriy Ivanovich.
-You're welcome. -Start over, as if I'm not here.
Okay. Ready, steady. Got it.
Dear Ukrainians!
A quarter of a century ago,
we... started...
No, please stop. Sorry.
Like this...
Try it a few times with the nuts.
Then the speech will flow like a song. Trust me on this one.
Back straight, and smile.
You're on! Now the speech!
Dear Ukrainians.
Quarter of a...
-A quarter! -A quarter.
A quarter of a century ago, we started building...
-Started! -Started building a new nation.
-Nation. -Nation.
-Good!
-A new nation conceived... -Conceived!
Conceived.
Conceived in liberty
and with a belief in equal rights for all citizens!
-Great! Now just like a tongue twister... -Got it.
Dear Ukrainians!
A quarter of a century ago,
we started building a new nation conceived in liberty
and with a belief in equal rights for all citizens.
Splendid!
-No, not a bit. -Now what?
Isn't this Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address of 1863?
Really?
That's actually great. Wonderful!
Nobody here will notice, and Lincoln's homeland will praise it.
You'll have to ask them for money.
Then how about I use my own words?
My dearest Vasyl Petrovych, hear me out.
Trust in my lifelong experience.
Any ad-libbing leads to Bushisms like, "They misunderestimated me."
Therefore, let's keep to the text, please.
Okay, then.
Dear Ukrainians!
Behold the matchmakers at your abode!
To the bride of the household.
Be disinclined to declining, and inclined toward accepting.
Are you Jehovah's Witnesses?
You have a product, we have a merchant.
You've got a maiden, we've got a gentleman.
-I don't understand. Who are you? -Slavik's parents.
And we came to be matchmakers for your Natalya.
We found a match for the maiden...
Enough.
Don't you know Slavik dumped her six months ago?
Poor girl was more dead than alive.
Come here.
Say what you wanted to.
I made a mistake, Natasha.
Louder!
I made a huge mistake. Forgive me, please.
Yeah, as if!
-I'm begging you. -It's over, Slavik. Hit the road!
Please, forgive him!
Excuse us.
No, wait, please!
But you have...
one more unmarried dove available.
We found a match for the maiden...
Goodbye!
Did you just see that?
What's wrong?
I'm waiting for someone like Prince Harry,
yet they're peddling that swamp creature!
...found a match for the maiden...
Let's have breakfast.
Okay, now is the most important part of the ceremony.
Accepting congratulations!
-Yes. -Let's start.
-What should I do? -Not much.
Smile, nod, and shake hands.
Most importantly, say little to avoid apologizing a lot later.
-Okay. -Have a seat.
Ladies and gentlemen!
The President of the United States, Barack Obama.
-Rise. -Okay.
Wow, is it him in person?
Sorry, I don't understand you.
Incidentally, why is Obama needed if he won't be attending?
Understood. Kolya, go home.
Bears no resemblance!
I agree. We just wanted to be close to reality. Be seated.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Angela Merkel!
-Rise. -Sure.
Hi there, Vasyl Petrovych.
Valya, what's with the informality? We can't have "hi there".
Next you'll be saying "shalom". Give me Merkel. Act Merkel!
-Guten abend, Herr Vasyl Petrovych. -Guten abend.
-Shake the hand softly. -Softly.
She should dominate.
The shake decides how much aid Germany's central bank will give us.
-Danke schoen. -Valya!
Your German needs work!
I don't think her Bavarian accent is bad.
-Take a seat. -Thanks.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Sarkozy and Putin.
Why is Putin here?
And Sarkozy. Hollande is the president of France.
Sorry, that was organized from last year's list.
Okay, Sarkozy guy, get lost.
Putin, beat it! Make it snappy!
-Sorry! -Quick! I don't want to see you again.
The President of Belarus, Alexander Lukashenko.
-No need to get up. -I see.
Excuse me. I have to take this.
Hello, Olya, is it urgent, or can it wait?
Mr President, I just wanted to remind you
that today you have a pre-set visitation scheduled with your son.
But given your knack for carelessness and newly-found burden of responsibility,
you most likely forgot about it, right?
Olya, nobody forgot about anything. We just went astray. I'm leaving now.
Yuriy Ivanovich, can we take a short break?
I need to leave.
To go where?
To take my son to the zoo.
Tolya...
40 bodyguards, 5 snipers, 1 chopper.
Two hours to get ready.
-Is there an easier way? -We could bring the animals here.
-It would only take one hour to prepare. -So be it.
-Get it done. -Thanks.
We're having fun, aren't we?
It's not crowded.
Giddy up.
Why the sad face?
We were supposed to go to the zoo.
Son, I can't be blamed for the rain.
All in all, it's not that bad.
Kyiv Zoo currently has fewer animals than here.
Want to play a game?
Joy and sorrow.
You start.
Okay, I'll start, then.
Name the biggest...
joy you've had this week.
When you became president.
Now you're the second coolest dad in class.
Why only the second?
-Kovalenko's dad drives a Dodge. -He drives a Dodge? Then he's outdone me.
But you're in a solid second place.
A silver medal isn't bad.
-Next one? -Sure.
Sorrow.
Is it true that you'll love me less now?
Whatever gave you that idea?
Well, you'll have to love the whole country besides me.
Son, even if I'm the president,
I'm still your father, and you're still my favorite son.
And I definitely love my country, but you'll still be number one anyway.
I can swear on the nation's Constitution.
Never mind. Forget it.
Okay, now...
-What? -In a second.
-What happened? -They say I have to go.
Wave to Mom.
Watch your feet.
We're a little late. I apologize.
That's okay.
Vasyl Petrovych, why don't you come escorted by the honor guard next time?
Sorry, it comes with the territory.
Do lumps on heads also come with that?
-Where's a lump? I don't see any. -No lumps!
-Dad? -Yes, son?
On my birthday, could you issue an order
for mama to marry you again?
-Son, that's not dad's job... -A quorum is...
He's the president!
Better not. Please, stop.
You'll just start arguing and quarrelling again.
My mind can't handle a second divorce. A pair of inline skates would be better.
-Skates? A perfect choice. You got it! -Sure.
Okay, I have to run.
I have... I'll call you. Bye!
-Okay, later. -Take care.
I loved not the right person I said not the right words!
What a tiring mess this is.
He's making a racket. When will his batteries go dead?
What should I do?
Natasha, maybe talk to him?
He might suddenly come to his senses.
Right. Honey, don't fall for it. That's exactly what your father would do.
-You'd better call the police. -Who needs the police?
Here's your police.
-Petya! -"Petya, Petya" what?
Don't forget to wipe your street art off the sidewalk.
His love defaced the courtyard.
So bothersome!
And ignorant, too.
"Natasha, merry me." As in, "be merry."
-What? That's incorrect? -Mom!
-Are we going to eat dinner? -Yes, we are. Stop yelling.
Yes.
Mom, why the fifth plate?
Ah, for Slavik!
I set it for Vasya, just by force of habit.
How is he, our sweetie?
I'm sure he's not dying of hunger, unlike me.
-Mom, why aren't you moving? -Here.
Dumplings again.
Sorry, but we can't afford fois gras for dinner.
And Vasya...
is in clover right now, I guess.
They're spoon-feeding him fine foods.
Thus, Mr President, to avoid any confusion...
-This fork is for the main course. -Okay.
-These are salad forks. -Salad.
This is for lemons.
These, for mussels and oysters.
-Main... -Moving on to spoons.
Yes, to spoons.
This is a soup spoon.
-This is for spaghetti. -Spaghetti.
This one is for dessert.
-And for butter. -Butter.
This is for coffee and tea.
And knives are simple.
Steak, dessert, appetizers, fish and profiteroles.
Got it? Excellent.
In that case...
enjoy your meal.
Have a good night.
Good night.
Nikita, bring that over.
Right, what was it?
A quarter.
A quarter of a century ago, we started... A quarter... Yes!
A quarter...
-Not asleep? -I was practicing.
Vasyl Petrovych, pardon me,
but it didn't dawn on me to ask.
Perhaps, you'd like...
a first lady?
What for?
I don't know...
You know better. Either for this or that...
Are you making fun of me?
Good choice. Tomorrow is a tough day.
Where is this coming from?
You really amaze me! Goodbye.
-Vasyl Petrovych? -What now?
If you change your mind, here's the remote.
Button one is for Angela. Button two is for Violetta.
-Three is for Edward. -Forget the buttons.
I told you, I'm fine. Thanks.
Alone, then? Here's the remote.
Okay, there's the remote.
Goodbye and good night!
Dreadful!
Where was I? Right, a quarter...
Shit... How did it go...?
A quarter of a century...
We started, we started... Yes.
A quarter of a century ago, we started building a nation.
Mr President!
What is it now?
Yuriy Ivanovich, I mean it now!
-Yuriy Ivanovich! -Vasyl Petrovych!
A quarter of...
Good evening, Vasyl Petrovych.
Hello.
Greetings, Mr Lincoln.
Pleased to meet you.
How did you get...
I came to see how you were doing.
Conscience in agony?
-Abraham... What's your patronymic? -Call me simply Mr President.
Mr President, about this speech,
I wasn't going to pinch it.
And why would you?
You have a good speech on YouTube.
But I didn't understand some of the words.
The one that starts with "ass" - that probably means "assembly", right?
And what "holes" refers to, I couldn't say.
It's sort of...
the state our country is in.
There are "ass-embly-holes".
-Clearly. -Roughly that.
Is that like our Great Depression?
Kind of.
And?
And what?
What will you do?
What's your track record?
Or is your limit
five million YouTube views?
Actually, it was eight, not five.
So. And second...
Do you know,
we have much in common.
I also come from a simple family.
I didn't believe in my powers either.
But I managed to abolish slavery.
I freed millions of slaves
in the year 18...
...62.
-I remember. -Bravo.
Vasyl Petrovych, you could also free your people.
But we don't have slavery.
Do you think millions of Ukrainians,
who bust their backs working to the bone just to feed the so-called elite,
their houses, limousines and mansions, aren't slaves?
But what can I do?
Be yourself,
Mr President.
President Goloborodko hasn't formally assumed office yet,
but we're seeing changes already.
For the first time, the presidential inauguration
won't take place in Parliament, where renovation works are underway,
but in the House of Teachers.
The deep symbolism is inescapable,
as previously Vasyl Goloborodko worked as a history teacher.
Catastrophic! We have 47 international delegations.
Live media broadcasts!
How did he ditch the motorcade?
He said, "I don't need security or a motorcade. I'll go alone."
What was I to do? Forcibly shove him into the car?
Maybe he's in trouble?
I hope to God.
I mean...
not hope to God.
To greet the president, guards, present arms...!
Why such a spectacle?
A spectacle? The door only opens from the outside.
Mr President, the honor guard company has formed.
Honor Guard Commander General Sydorenko.
Hello.
-Good health. -Thanks.
Ladies and gentlemen, the president of Ukraine!
Dear fellow countrymen
and guests of Ukraine.
A quarter of a century ago, we started building a new nation,
conceived
in liberty and with a belief in equal rights
for all citizens.
Vasyl Petrovych!
Had any thoughts on your inauguration speech?
Sashko, what inauguration? Who'll vote for me?
What if they do?
Then you'll gabble in front of the nation while we feel ashamed.
Enough of this fun. We've got a test, so start writing.
You should rehearse, Vasyl Petrovych.
No rehearsals for me.
-Who cares about the test! -The inauguration is more important!
Very well, then.
All the shouting. Just to rehearse.
Let's start.
What should I do?
Place your hand on the Bible.
Hand on the Bible... Class, we don't have a Bible.
But here's a class register. And it's also sacred.
-Which hand? Right? -Yes.
Okay, now.
I have no idea where to even begin.
That's what I meant.
Say the usual things.
Promise that everything will be good...
Levchenko, I don't intend to promise anything to anyone.
That's right! The main thing is honesty and using your own words.
And at the end, do this...
And it'll all be super.
I'll certainly do so,
only once you finally hand in your report on the Zaporizhian Fort.
I beg your pardon.
May I use my own words?
You know,
I'm a plain teacher of history.
This is some story - a history teacher makes it into history!
Hilarious.
According to the plan, I was supposed to promise many things to you now.
Well... But I...
I won't make any promises.
First, it's dishonest,
and second, I'm not good at these things.
For the time being.
But I'll figure it out.
I do know one thing.
One should act in a way
that doesn't evoke shame when looking into children's eyes.
Nor their parents'.
Nor your eyes, of course.
This is what I promise you, the people of Ukraine.
I thank you.
REPORT ON THE ZAPORIZHIAN FORT
Translation by Mark P. Raczkiewycz