Please, Mom.
Honey, just stand still for 30 seconds.
-Okay. -Turn around, sweetie.
-How's it going, Head of State? -Good morning.
Sveta, is that all you have to say on your brother's first day?
We chose you, and we'll oust you if we must.
Fair enough.
Mom, there's no time. Where's my briefcase?
Right away.
Okay, so, you have salad, burger patties
and a thermos with Borscht.
Bring the containers back.
No need. I can eat downtown.
-Downtown? It's expensive! -Okay.
-Is that all? -No, wait a second.
Most importantly...
-What's the pin for? -The pin?
To ward off the opposition.
They all give you the evil eye.
They won't jinx you.
Why not give me an aspen stake, as well?
Also, don't shoot from the hip there.
Try to get on with people.
Maybe I should go with you?
Mom, I'm a teacher. I'll handle it.
Do it. You're an adult who's turning 40 soon.
The toilet is a restricted area!
Petya, come and wish your son good luck.
Don't wreck the country, son.
Yes, Dad. Kisses.
PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
-Good morning, Mr President. -Good morning, Yuriy Ivanovich.
Did you sleep well?
Surprisingly well.
Glad to hear it.
-The head of state should sleep well. -Thanks.
Regardless of domestic affairs and foreign debt obligations...
You know, I really enjoyed your inauguration speech.
-Really? -Yes.
Only you can eloquently and smartly speak at length,
without promising a single thing in the end.
You get an A1 rating.
And your arrival in a taxi?
That was a tour de force! Exactly what the electorate expects from us.
What's this all about?
Where's his car?
-It's being repaired. -It's being repaired.
Vasyl Petrovych.
This isn't a downgrade.
I know. I have one like this.
Yuriy Ivanovich, you still don't get it.
Vasyl Petrovych!
Wait a minute, Vasyl Petrovych! No, Vasyl Petrovych! Mr President!
Vasyl Petrovych!
Good. We made it.
Vasyl Petrovych, you sure are clever.
I honestly didn't expect this.
-But this is not the way to do things. -What do you mean?
It would have been better
to tell the public of our journey.
-To have invited journalists. -Hello.
Otherwise, our bus ride is pointless.
Yuriy Ivanovich, this isn't another publicity stunt.
I, from now on, plan to go to work this way.
What are you doing?
I want to heat up the crepes.
It doesn't work.
What should I do?
Eat them cold. They're also delicious that way. Pass the sugar.
No, this can't be happening.
The president's abode!
It's a shed!
I asked you a long time ago to screw it in properly.
Its lifespan has expired.
It's on its last legs.
This is a big flat, but at heart, it's your mom's museum depot!
What's not to your liking?
Are you happy?
Getting to the bathroom is like taking a cow's path to a watering trough.
The parquet floors haven't been varnished in 20 years.
Eight layers of wallpaper are peeling off.
They might kill someone.
What are you waiting for?
Start pasting the wallpaper.
I'm the president's dad. You're silly.
Has Barack Obama ever covered walls for his relatives?
I hate this furniture!
This couch, this chair, this clock, these...
These...
These pictures... What's that?
Petya!
What's that?
Calm down! It's a keepsake!
The same as the car parked outside, given by your father.
You never know if it'll start or not. It has a mind of its own.
Give it a rest.
Should the president's dad drive that heap?
If only Vasya could hear you now.
Vasya doesn't take the bus.
Driver, please put on the air conditioner.
Breathing is impossible.
Now breathe.
Thanks.
Any priority seats?
Nope. My two priority spots are filled.
-Dear me. -Please wait, Ma'am.
-We're getting off. Step in. -Thanks.
-Here. -Getting off?
-Now we go on foot. -On foot?
How far away are we?
Seriously, how long do we have left to live?
Ten or fifteen years?
What's your point?
Okay, I have 20 years.
Why can't we live like civilized people in our old age?
Look, what is this? You call this a TV?
Only two exist. The other one is in the Natural History Museum.
-What's wrong with it? -It impairs your vision.
I can't see when I'm driving. Yesterday, I almost hit a tree.
I lose more of my sight every hour.
Damn it!
What do you call this hunk of junk? A vacuum?
What else?
It doesn't suck, it blows dust!
I'm sick of it all!
Everything needs replacing.
With what money?
Mr Replacer, just relax.
With what money?
You don't understand, do you?
We bought a lottery ticket 37 years ago.
-What ticket? -This one.
And now we've hit the jackpot.
-Stop blathering. -Right.
See if I'm blathering...
I need my shirt.
-Who put it here? -You did!
Yuriy Ivanovich, you don't fully understand.
It's unacceptable for the president, a public servant.
-Why talk this way? -Why can't I?
The public elects me, the president, and other officials and lawmakers.
We serve them. We are servants.
I prefer the term "country managers".
Okay, but why should everyone work hard to support the managers
and their endless palaces, cars, servants and security guards?
Yes, Mr President.
What is it?
You called me.
I’m sick all of this. We're done, gentlemen.
Thank you all, but I no longer require your services.
You're free to go.
Security is a necessity, not a luxury.
It's not a necessity.
I'm a regular guy who has hurt no one.
No security for me.
Kennedy said the same, and how did that end?
How did that...
What the hell? I already told you once, nicely.
You're dismissed. Thank you!
I don't need you.
Such nonsense.
-Are you mocking me? -Vasyl Petrovych...
Go home!
Vasyl Petrovych, you can refuse security,
but please let mine stay.
-They're yours? -Yes.
-Sorry. -No problem.
Sorry.
Kennedy did have security. How did that end?
He didn't have enough of them.
What's this?
This is your first cleaning assistant.
Come over here, Mom!
That's all, fellas. Thanks. We'll handle it from here.
Come here!
Check out what was first pushed into my hands.
-Like it? -It's stunning.
What did you promise the store in return?
Nothing special, just a ten-year tax break.
Come on, Petya.
-I'm joking. Five years. -Stop it.
I didn't promise anything. Vasya will handle it!
This...
is a gift for you.
What's it called?
It's called fair communism.
Satisfying our needs in spite of our capabilities.
What are those keys for?
The TV must have hampered your sight, as well.
It's clearly written here, though not in Russian: BMW.
Who am I talking to? You don't know B from M when it comes to cars.
What, you even bought a car?
That's an overstatement. I'm test driving it.
This isn't too much?
Too much would be if I replaced you with a young gymnast.
That's hardly funny.
Really?
Who's there?
It's a surprise.
It's not like we muscled in on a factory or a park.
In the big picture, this is frugality.
My regards. I'm Sergei Siuseldorff.
From Siuseldorff & Partners design bureau.
You called.
-We... -That was us!
Come in, comrade Se...
Siseldorff.
Now, then, here is where...
we'll do the Versailles.
Affirmative.
I think the unemployed and pensioners should be first.
Okay, they will be first.
In fact, our meeting now is with an unemployed pensioner.
What do you mean?
It's our former president.
I see.
Vasyl Petrovych, it's a customary meeting.
A transfer of power will take place,
followed by a photo session and drinks reception.
And then your secretary...
By the way, here she is.
Let me introduce Bella Rudolfovna, your right hand.
She exhibits precise German order.
Not quite. We have a crisis.
The president's office isn't free.
I thought this was resolved a long time ago.
We can't do much. He has a gun.
How?
It was a gift from the Uzhgorod customs deputy head.
Does the press know?
Thank goodness, no.
What's going on?
Your predecessor locked himself in the office
and shouted that he's the president.
He's demanding vodka,
a box of cigarettes and political asylum to Yugoslavia.
-It broke up. -He knows that.
That's why he wants vodka.
Sergei Pavlovich! My friend, stop fooling around.
Can you hear me?
Your term ended and the people chose another.
I demand a re-vote! They elected some douchebag. F**k!
Yuriy...
Leave me alone!
Sergei!
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was loaded.
Here's the deal!
I'm giving you 48 hours!
Or...
Or what, Sergei?
Pal, please, can you arbitrate somehow? Yura!
May I come in, then?
Hello.
Go away or I'll shoot!
Bella, get away!
Sergei.
Why all this madness? This isn't the way to go.
I do agree.
Yura, we have to act.
We have to do something!
But what?
Change the constitution.
-How? -The usual way. We...
-We did it before! -There's nothing to amend.
-Let's do a vote recount! -We did that already.
I want to count personally. Every ballot!
But why recount your 3%?
Three and a half.
-He has 60%. -That's an error.
But how could 60% be an error?
It's the nation that erred.
I'll give them a second chance.
Let them vote again, Yura.
Text message votes will save me, Yura.
Text message votes, Yura!
Why are you silent?
Do something, you bastard!
Sergei, it's time. I fully understand you.
-No, you don't. -Yes, I do.
-No, you don't! -I'm saying, I do.
The country was stolen from me, Yura!
The entire country.
Have you ever had your own country?
I lived in it, ate in it and drank in it!
And I want to die together with it, Yura!
I worked like a horse
and my hair turned grey.
I learned Ukrainian, Yura!
Then you should know this proverb.
"Time goes, you say? Alas, time stays, we go."
Time... Alas... We...
Don't talk to me in that foreign gibberish!
Sergei, you're strong. You'll pull through.
I'm a weak and sick person.
Sergei, my good man, I know you're strong.
I'm a weak and sick person, Yura!
Let me be!
You can't fire a sick person!
That's against the law, Yura!
I had a stroke!
Sergei...
Now, now.
Go away.
Everyone, leave me alone!
Let me die in peace! Anywhere...
Let me die in Transcarpathia!
Give Transcarpathia to me!
Or the port of Odessa!
Give me land and water.
Want some water?
A big chunk of the sea! Give me an aquatic area! Fish!
-What kind of fish? -Dunno. Flounders or anchovies.
Give me dolphins!
I'll look after them.
I like fish, Yura.
I promised my son a dream world.
What will I say to him?
Well, your son is 30 years old. He heads the Supreme Court.
It's better than a dream.
Sergei, enough, really.
Yura--
It's okay.
My cupcake.
Give me the seed.
The seed.
Alright.
I'll go.
Good man.
-That's right. -I'll calm down and go.
I'll go and calm down.
-Yes. -Just leave me be.
How much time do you need?
Maybe, one or two days. A year, or five years!
I'll say when it's time!
You've got 30 minutes.
Yura!
I beg you in the name of Christ, Yura!
Do something, Yura.
I understand, Sergei. Absolutely. We'll think of something.
-You mean that? -Of course.
Have I ever led you astray?
Thank you.
My friend...
They ruined the country!
Which country?
Yugoslavia!
Bella, ciao.
Bella, ciao, ciao, ciao!
-Yura. -Sergei.
O bella, ciao! O bella, ciao!
O bella, ciao, ciao, ciao!
Call the SWAT team.
We don't need SWAT.
Can I try?
Go ahead.
Vasyl Petrovych.
Do you think you can handle this?
But what will you try to do, Vasyl Petrovych?
As the vice principal, I begged him.
The whole faculty pleaded with him.
We organized two leaving parties for him.
I took his office keys away!
But he always found his way home like a lecherous cat.
And of course, I respect his contributions,
his seniority, all in all, but...
Raisa Andreevna!
-Trust me. I'll strike the right note. -Really?
We're historians. We intuitively understand one another.
HISTORY DEPARTMENT
-I'll try. -Okay.
Shut the door. Get out!
You're spoiling my lesson plans.
I understand.
Enough, young man.
I gave my life to this school.
And they're putting some boy in my place.
Age is never a good indicator.
I doubt you know this wise Chinese saying:
"Nothing is more frightening than the unknown."
In this case, you are "the unknown".
Well, one can't argue with Lao Tzu,
although I like the Persian saying more:
"Don't judge the chariot,
until you've ridden in it yourself."
So, in this case,
I'm the chariot.
What are your thoughts about this Japanese saying?
"Only one in ten people can be a good warrior,
one in 100 can be an emperor, and one in 1,000 - a wise Sensei."
On the other hand, the ancient Mayans said
that wise men aren't born.
But you can become a wise man.
Here is a specimen of modern education.
-What do you mean? -Which Mayans? It's an Aztec proverb.
Aztecs? You're mistaken, it's Mayan.
-I'll prove it to you. -What are you taking out?
-My Favorite Proverb. -So let's have a look.
Page 196.
It's Mayan, I'm sure.
-No need to check. -Here...
Is it really Mayan?
Yes.
Although, let me recall,
I read in a source that the proverb
is actually Aztec.
Right.
Well, then...
I take my hat off to you.
That is, not to you,
but to your teacher.
Although,
as the Balkan proverb goes,
"one can become a good teacher only..."
"...if one was a good pupil."
Don't worry, Arkadiy Grigorevich.
I'll maintain your high standards.
After all, the success of any enterprise
rests on three pillars.
Hard work, honesty and fairness.
Who said that one?
Vasyl Goloborodko.
Yes.
Who's that?
It's not important.
Well, I'm at peace now.
Our school's history class is in good hands.
Let me shake one of them.
With pleasure.
I'm at ease. Ukraine is in good hands.
Mr President, a few words about your plans...
Good day, everyone...
I bet one million, that boy won't last one month in the job.
"Hard work and honesty". I almost died laughing!
Now, Yuriy Ivanovich,
when the snap vote starts, call.
I'll run and make sure that dope doesn't change anything in my office.
"Hard work and honesty"!
It looks like I'll need six months for the entire project.
Where will we live then?
We'll live with the Kostiuks in Transcarpathia.
Speaking of Transcarpathia, we built a fireplace in the prosecutor's penthouse.
-I firmly recommend you also have one. -Done!
The prosecutor and us? Right, dear?
Fabulous!
We're changing the wallpaper.
And all the furniture.
By the way, my business partners have a furniture store.
I firmly recommend them.
Is it expensive?
What are you saying?
It's complimentary. It'll be an honor for them!
But they might need the president's help with a few tiny customs subtleties.
-He'll help. Make the delivery. -It's on its way, then.
Right, we'll put marble here.
Here... Well, I'll think of something.
A small fountain here.
This is exactly what is needed for the home servants.
Excuse me?
But where will we live?
Here's the dining room.
Here's your bedroom.
Here's the president's bedroom.
This belongs to the Polischuks next door.
Will they be a problem?
No. They've wanted to move for ages. We'll talk to them.
Here's the miniature golf course. The billiard room.
-The bowling alley. -The Mykulenkos live there!
-Will they be a problem? -No problem.
They're expecting, so they will need space.
Here's the Zen garden for meditation.
It calms the nerves.
You hear that? Calms the nerves.
-That's Rimma Markovna's place. -Is she a problem?
Not at all. Rimma Markovna is 87.
We might not have to talk to her.
Petya!
Knock on wood.
I built a pool for an old-aged lady whose son heads the State Highway Service.
-I firmly recommend it. -Hear that, Mom? A pool!
Petya, slow down!
A swimming pool is too much.
We don't have room.
Not here, of course.
On the rooftop.
Mom, a rooftop swimming pool!
And a personal elevator.
Yes, Mr President?
-Hi. -Hello.
-How are things in the nation? -Good, Mr President.
Very well, thanks.
Here you are, Vasyl Petrovych.
I've prepared brief reports on the current state of the country.
Then hand them over.
The red folder is for the economy and industry.
-The blue one is for energy. -Thanks.
Yellow is for agriculture.
Green is for foreign policy.
Laws to review are in the black folder.
Executive orders to sign is grey.
A folder, right.
Why are you giving me that look?
You don't like me?
You're my fifth president.
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz