Okay, this doesn't go here.
It's as clear as mud.
-Green tea, Mr President. -I asked for coffee.
You had coffee already.
Too much coffee isn't good.
Bella Rudolfovna, I can't make sense of these figures.
Administration payroll records.
200 million?
Vasyl Petrovych, excuse me, but we meet with the Cabinet in 30 minutes.
Yes, I know.
Did you know that my office's annual budget is 200 million?
That's monthly.
And thank God.
The Cabinet and Parliament spend twice as much.
Yet, teachers and doctors haven't been paid for two months.
Budget deficit and world crisis.
They get a quarter of their wages.
We're trying to do our best for them.
But there's inflation.
And the Treasury is bare.
Okay, how much do we owe them?
-It's not critical. -500 million.
We'll pay it off. In a week or two, or a month.
Hey, we're running late.
Okay, very well.
-We'll figure it out later. -Let's go.
-What's this? -Planet Earth.
-Handmade. -Who made it?
God.
Vasyl Petrovych, do you like your office?
Satisfied? Or should we alter it?
-Honestly, I would remove everything. -Why?
My parents raised me differently.
Be more careful!
Carry it in.
Don't spoil the gold. Carry them in and hang them up.
Yes, sorry.
Caryatids?
Hold on. Mom, what are caryatids?
Statues of women in Greek architecture.
Caryatids aren't needed. No.
What? Gold plated?
Then, of course, bring them by!
How do you like it?
-Isn't it beautiful? -Yes, Petya.
You were probably right.
"Probably"!
PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
What's your stance on cutting government staff?
Yes, they bloated the staff.
It's like a feast during a plague.
I totally agree.
I propose 10%.
Exactly. A 10% cut. We'll get to work.
No, only 10% remains.
A 90% cut.
Ice cream?
Here, it's close.
There's fairness in the world.
-You want to learn geography at your age? -Yes.
I'll travel and mark each spot with a drink I had in that country.
I see that you've been to Ireland already.
That was a vignette. I docked for about 200 milliliters.
Don't get carried away, Magellan.
Forget about it, please. Come by, of course.
We'll grill shish kababs and shout karaoke.
What do you mean "do they have"? They have it all!
Grab Anka from the ninth car and Marina from the sixth. And...
Let's take that swooning girl, as well. Let her breathe fresh air.
Let's just round up all the conductors!
There are 144 hectares of land, ponds, squirrels.
I'll call you back later.
All in the time it took to get a manicure...
What's all this?
-Look! -We're slowly fixing up the place.
You don't say!
My eyes!
Well, go rob a pharaoh's tomb, why don't you?
You know so much, don't you?
I won't be ashamed to invite someone over now.
I heard you invited the girls.
I've called them, but not over to this kennel.
-Where to? -The presidential retreat in Mezhyhirya!
You think we'd let Vasya live there alone?
We are family, after all.
The Home Front, so to speak.
Mother flower! We missed the mark with this one, Mom!
How did we forget about Mezhyhirya?
Because you weren't thinking at all.
What are we to do with all this junk now?
Embrace it and cry.
I mean, 90% could be cut. Everyone could be cut.
But who will work, then?
If you think about it, who's working now?
Why are the masseuses, psychologists and motivators needed?
It's all nonsense! Do you know the statistics?
Do you know, in 1992, there were 69,000 officials in our country?
-Yes, I was one of them. -Now there are five times more.
I know. I'm one of them now.
Very funny. There are 380,000 officials!
-But you still need assistants. -It's one thing to have an assistant.
It's another for assistants to have assistants.
Or a deputy assistant.
It's a paradox!
The more assistants there are,
the more the state needs assistance.
Profoundly said. Can I post that on my Facebook?
You keep joking, but I'm being serious.
We live like that Ukrainian folk proverb.
For two Cossacks there are three leaders.
I'm afraid, Vasyl Petrovych, that we won't catch the bus.
We don't have to. It's only one block. Let's walk.
Who's that?
Us, I think.
Actually, no.
That's Igor Nikolaevich, the finance minister.
What's he in a rush for?
His meeting with you.
Yevgeniy Nikolaevich, the justice minister.
And who's that?
If I'm not wrong,
Valeriy Dmitrievich.
Valeriy Dmitrievich? The education minister?
I disapprove.
It's one thing for the president to need cars.
-It's different for a minister. -We'll sort it.
And who's this?
The wife of the Economy Minister.
To meet me?
No, to meet her hairdresser.
Nothing changes in this country.
If I had it my way, I wouldn't wait for that clown.
-Welcome, Vasyl Petrovych. -Thanks.
Have a seat, Vasyl Petrovych.
-Sorry, please sit. -Vasyl Petrovych.
I'll stand. You're in my seat today. Tomorrow, I'll be in the president's.
Vasyl Petrovych, let me...
again, in a manner, introduce you in person
to the executive and fruitful branch of government.
Igor Mikhailovich, finance minister, PhD in economics
and honorary president of the Financial Innovations Institute.
Thief, embezzler of public funds and alcoholic.
Vasya, you saw the scandalous photos?
Dmitriy Leonidovich,
health minister, honored doctor of Ukraine and professor.
A greedy and cynical douchebag.
He bought an island with taxpayers' money meant for children's medicines.
Vasya, you read about this in a newspaper.
Nice to meet you.
Education minister.
-Author of many teaching techniques. -Nice to meet you.
Yaroslav, the Wise Honor recipient.
A vulgar and cynical twit.
School children lack textbooks, yet he throws an anniversary bash.
Lobsters, shellfish and a fireworks show.
Madonna performed!
Nice to meet you.
Vasya, what's so nice?
It would be nice to put them against the wall and purify them!
That's the easy way.
I forgot. You're an educator.
Go ahead. Fuss over them, re-educate them...
You were only bold with the handicrafts teacher.
That has nothing to do with it. I'm a president, not a tyrant.
I need to see everything for myself.
You can't just send everybody to Siberia.
Yes, you can! In fact, you must!
Take a look at their faces.
Do you really think you can change them?
You can change them only with an aspen stake...
or with a silver bullet!
They need to be shot or hung.
You decide. You're the president.
Be brave, Vasya.
You've waited for this moment your entire life.
Get up and tell these scum of the earth to their faces
what the people think about them.
Be gutsy, Vasya!
Why won't you say something?
"Silence is an argument carried out by other means." You said that.
I also said,
my comrade is the one who trembles with indignation at every injustice.
You must be tougher.
The homeland or death!
Sergei Pavlovich, infrastructure minister.
Nice to meet you.
We hope for beneficial cooperation.
As a sign of respect, allow me to present...
this mace as a gift.
Thank you.
You have the floor, Mr President.
Right.
To be blunt,
your apathy and cynicism perplex me.
In a time when our country
lives below the poverty line,
you get choked up downtown
only to zoom away in your snazzy cars like a wind!
The cost of each car could pay for an operation for a needy pensioner.
Or build a village school
or children's playgrounds,
so our children don't waste away in the stairwells of their blocks of flats.
You live in your own worlds.
You've rooted your asses to these chairs.
You're wiping the sweat off? Nervous?
You wanted to see a different Vasya here?
A mace encrusted with gems! I could smack you in the face with it.
So he's the health minister. Shall I treat you?
And you, the education minister?
I trust you're okay?
Where do your children study? Abroad?
This is a nightmare.
Your faces are corroded. Look at your cheeks!
Are your hands sweating?
Do you take bribes?
Don't you dare look at me!
I'd hit you, even if you are a woman.
Is there humanity inside you?
At least in one of you? Or are you all pieces of shit to the last?
You only think about your families and children.
You'll soon shrivel up and betray each other out of malice.
And you?
A gray-haired man. Look at yourself!
You want to be remembered?
Or would you rather your children forgot you existed?
You've lived luxuriously
while some families can't even afford an extra pair of shoes for their child!
And now, tell me whose wife is it
that drives to the hairdresser
with her own personal motorcade?
Vasyl Petrovych, why are you silent?
Speak, Vasyl Petrovych.
The floor is yours, Mr President.
I was pondering what to say. Right.
Well, it's a pleasure
that I ended up...
I entered a circle of...
-Don't worry. -I'm worrying.
I'm in a circle of professional and intelligent people.
I believe that together...
we'll help Ukraine's economy.
We're working on it already.
Vasyl Petrovych, brilliant words.
Here's the president's dining room. He used to eat here.
He liked drinking tea from this cup.
This is the president's living room.
-The mother of the president. -Petya!
No distractions. More work...
A wide hall.
The ceilings are high and the neighbors are quiet.
Here is the president's bedchamber.
The room is big and spacious.
Here we have...
the bathroom and shit...
The toilet.
-I changed the tiles recently. Look. -Hi.
The president's sister. She's...
She's a remarkable woman.
-Unlike the president's father. -A joke.
I've seen enough. I don't anticipate a problem with the client.
-It's sort of a sacred place now. -It is what it is.
I'll be back later to start viewings of the place.
See you then.
Dad! Is this what you want?
To showcase the house?
The tenants will get in the way of everything.
There's a lot, you know. Every extra dollar won't hurt.
Listen, the presidential family
is provided for by the state.
Hold this.
While Vasya is the president...
Right! The key word is "while".
We should spit for luck!
-Is that wood? -Cherry wood.
Let me caution you.
The lawmakers are currently working under constant pressure.
The area is small, so they're cooped up.
They're elbow-to-elbow. It's stressful.
Because of this, the deputies are wound up.
I'm also slightly tense.
But somehow we'll make do.
Dear National Deputies!
Please calm down!
Please!
Calm down and take your seats...
Dear Deputies!
The president is present! Calm down, please!
Dear Deputies!
Calm down, please.
Dear Deputies!
Who are you hitting?
Dear...
Dear Deputies.
Dear... Putin has been deposed!
I was kidding.
I couldn't stop you any other way.
Sit down, dear publicly elected officials.
Excuse me.
Burger patties, salad...
Thank you, Yuriy Ivanovich.
Hi again.
I've been wanting to meet all of you.
I don't know how to start.
So I'll start from the very beginning.
From democracy...
You're servants of the people.
You all know what democracy is.
Frankly, people define it to their liking.
In actuality,
the Greek word "democracy" translates as "rule of the people".
Demos kratos.
People. Power.
Not "kratodemiya".
You understand? Not "rule over the people"...
but vice versa.
We do have a democracy. Isn't that right?
I mean, that's what you constantly repeat on television.
The rule in our country truly does belong to the people.
Consequently, the public hires you, and me in particular, for the job.
Please explain, then, why I, as an average voter,
with a history teacher's salary,
can't afford a cramped, 50-year-old prefab flat...
when you, my subordinates, live in luxury mansions?
Don't you think that's weird?
Or am I the only one who sees the anomaly?
Are you doing okay?
You're public servants, indeed!
Where does it say that servants should live better
than their masters?
Or maybe you're simply confused and serve another master?
Instead of serving the people,
you're the lackeys of oligarchs.
Don't you want to do something good for the country?
Do you really believe that in the afterlife...
they accept platinum credit cards?
Dear public servants!
Invoking my right to initiate legislation,
I propose to amend the law
on the status of civil servants.
First.
To discard the official use of limousines, residences and resorts.
Second.
To reduce the bloated staff of useless aides and freeloaders.
Third.
To improve our work efficiency, I propose that Parliament,
the Cabinet of Ministers
and the president's office
all move under one roof at the Expocenter.
By doing so, we'll also finally free up
the downtown area from endless traffic jams.
-Pardon me. -Yes?
What will happen to the buildings?
They're the finest buildings.
What is the finest...
...should go to children!
Well, why not?
It'll go to the children. Is anyone against that?
Very well.
Now you can continue fighting...
if you've nothing better to do.
So what's troubling him now?
It's that lawmakers don't serve the people, but oligarchs.
He's saying some objectionable things.
Are we not...
the people?
Another thing startles me.
Goloborodko's rhetoric.
I fear that soon we'll all have to flee the country.
Sure, our flight is in one hour.
Or else Vasya will huff and puff.
You know what, gentlemen, it turns out
that our Goloborodko...
has principles.
Sure, it's all fun and games,
but we'll find a solution, right?
Sure, we will.
Our people will screw his head on the right way.
Well, what do you say? Let's sit.
The furniture and paintings...
We're leaving them behind.
Use them.
The price isn't low, but you get the décor.
The décor doesn't matter.
What matters is the energy.
A great person lived here.
-Thank you. -I mean your son.
Thanks on behalf of my son.
I'm positive I'll write my bestseller in this apartment.
A bestseller.
By the way, I didn't introduce myself.
I'm Davydov, a fiction writer.
-I haven't read your work. -Really?
If no one objects, I suggest we sign the contract.
Let's sign it, yeah.
Good evening.
The president!
Dad, may I have a word with you?
Excuse us. No, thanks.
We'll be a moment. Excuse us.
What's going on?
Who are they?
And the paintings?
Don't worry. They will stay with the tenants.
What tenants?
I'm renting it out.
I'll use the money to fuel the car and drive you from Mezhyhirya to work,
so that nobody taunts the president
for wasting taxpayers' money on fueling his SUV.
What SUV?
Class five.
What are you saying? What Mezhyhirya?
There's only one, son.
Is there a new Mezhyhirya?
Are you mad? We're not moving to Mezhyhirya.
What? It's not ready yet?
What a pity.
It puts me in an awkward spot. People came...
And they will leave now.
Excuse me again, please.
-It's a little... -I didn't...
There's been a little misunderstanding.
So this apartment isn't for rent.
Goodbye.
-I'm... -I've read Yan Davydov. Bye.
As soon as we finish renovating Mezhyhirya,
we'll invite you back!
-Dad! -Son!
Ladies!
Hey there.
Vasya... Dad!
It's okay.
Here, we have those...
-Caryatides. -Caryatides.
Here's the sofa and armchair. Real leather.
There are the paintings, framed in leaf...
-Gold leaf. -Gold leaf. Vasya!
Check out this plasma TV!
It's as thin as a razor blade.
Dad, who bought this?
You offend me.
The state provides for us.
Look, they're showing our breadwinner right now.
Sveta, Mom, please listen so that I don't have to repeat myself, okay?
A citizen who hired you for work
saves their hard-earned money for two years
to spend one week at a low-grade resort
when you fly to Goa every month
on their dime.
Do you think it's acceptable
to eat sandwiches with red caviar in Parliament's cafeteria
for 12 hryvnias,
when a senior citizen collects pennies...
to buy a carton of milk?
Well done, Vasya!
-Public servants! -Right.
Dad, if I'm right, then all of these things should be returned.
And the SUV?
Yes, the SUV is imperative.
The bar, as well?
The bar goes first.
So I'll say it once.
I don't feel right repeating it.
I'll say it, and you remember it.
If someone's set their sights on something since I've become president...
Alright, Vasya!
Don't worry, Vasya!
With you around, no one will browse too long with their eyes.
Dad, stop! Enough!
No more, Dad!
Why Dad?
You think we wanted the sky and the moon?
Seriously!
Listen, didn't we suffer enough?
For once, we wanted to live like normal people.
Do you realize there are 45 million normal people?
Are you the exception, or what?
-Yes, we are your relatives! -Exactly.
Here I am, battling those vampires,
and at home I get the same foul soup, just reheated.
Pardon me, for we are not worthy of thee!
You're the saint here.
They should paint icons of you.
Or should I kneel before you, Vasyl...
What's your patronymic?
-Petrovych. -Petrovych!
Why do you put up with this family of money grabbers and freaks of nature?
Dad!
Who did you take after to become this way?
Clearly not after you.
-Well, well! Not after me? -Dad!
Vasya!
-Not after me? -Let him go!
Where are you going?
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz