Any news?
None.
Yuriy Ivanovich, we have an APB out.
The Security Service and police are out. Nothing.
It's your head that has nothing.
How could you lose the president?
So I'm fired.
Officially, yes.
But unofficially, meathead,
you answer for the head of state's safety.
The president can't just leave his house,
hop in a taxi and drive to who knows where.
What if Obama flew in all of a sudden?
His location has been unknown since last night.
Do I have to tell you what to do?
Sorry.
Yes.
Got it.
Well, give me good news.
We tapped unconventional sources of information
by consulting psychics.
One psychic says the president is alive,
but he's in a closed area and in the company of strangers.
Congratulations.
It appears he's been snatched.
Tolya.
I'll never forsake my principles.
The people need change.
So if you want to shoot, go ahead and shoot.
But mark my words, I'm happy to die for my country.
PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
"But mark my words, I'm happy to die for my czar."
This is how, in 1911,
Pyotr Arkadyevich Stolypin was killed
at the Kyiv Opera House.
Boys, open the windows.
Well, that was a wonderful story.
But who really was Stolypin?
A great reformer?
Or a simple, failed official? It's not clear.
What do you think, Vasyl Petrovych?
I think Stolypin found it very difficult
to work in the system
in which he worked.
Back then, he couldn't fire anyone he pleased.
He also didn't want to go with the flow and tread water.
He didn't know how to.
That's it, class.
Write down the homework assignment.
Read over paragraphs 51 to 55.
Class 10B, still here?
Or was I the only one who heard the bell?
Vasyl Petrovych!
Tell us, is it cool being president?
What's cool, Glotov, is that in your report,
you called the Golden Horde
Mongolian-fascist invaders.
That was cool.
As for the presidency, class, honestly,
in my opinion, you dragged me into a risky venture.
Enter!
Vasyl Petrovych, a moment, please?
Class dismissed. Bye.
Yes, Raisa Andreevna?
What are you doing here?
Can't you see? I'm teaching.
By law, I can combine duties.
The thing is, you've gone AWOL for them.
For who?
For the country.
BREAKING NEWS
President Goloborodko has started off decisively and boldly.
Speaking before Parliament,
he reminded lawmakers that they're servants of the people
and emphasized that they should live more modestly
and spend taxpayers' money wisely.
Lawmakers annulled a series of perks,
reduced the size of their staff and cut expenses.
But the key measure was moving Parliament,
the Cabinet of Ministers and presidential office.
For more on this, Daryna Tokar reports.
NEWS
It's hard to believe, but it's Monday morning in downtown Kyiv.
This place hasn't seen such peace and quiet in a long time.
Residents have lawmakers to thank for this,
who yesterday moved from government buildings.
It appears that President Goloborodko not only knows, but is creating, history.
Thanks to his ability,
another great migration of people has taken place in the 21st century.
How did you perceive the decision to move offices?
I voted "for".
Of course, "for"!
The most important thing for us was to free up downtown Kyiv.
We've spoken of this for a long time.
Meanwhile, the outskirts are buzzing with life.
Officials are moving into their new offices,
which are said to be blessed.
Let's hope that this will help our politicians
and we'll soon see how the united government branches
achieve their first successes.
Thanks.
Why did you leave the president's seat?
I almost died of a stroke.
Sorry. I didn't think my absence would cause a fuss.
Don't be silly.
The next time you plan to go missing,
text me at least.
I wanted to, but my phone ran out of credit.
That's okay. Call off the SWAT team.
-Seriously? -Yes.
Not the air force, too?
Thanks for noting that.
Call off the battle jets.
What else were we to do?
You started off boldly.
You cut, fired and started disciplining everyone.
-Then you quickly vanished. -Wow.
Evidently, Vasyl Petrovych, your speech caused a ruckus.
There's less pollution.
The oil barons are in the red.
All the parliamentarians and ministers are riding bikes.
-Me, too. -Really?
Sure! I recalled my youth. Mine is the blue one.
That's good. I'm pleasantly surprised.
Well, you're about to be even more surprised.
Oh, yeah?
I'm intrigued.
-Good morning! -Good day.
Hello.
-Thank you. -Vasyl Petrovych!
Take this...
You've breathed life...
into the waning fire of Ukrainian democracy.
-Hello. -Hello.
Everyone got to work. They're moving and running around to and fro.
-Good. -This way.
Thank you.
-Right. -Good morning, Vasyl Petrovych.
-Good morning. -Here's your mail.
-Many thanks, Bella Rudolfovna. -This way, please.
So how do you like your office?
Well, it's charming.
We tried our best.
It's slightly exorbitant. Wouldn't you agree?
-There's no exorbitant chipboard. -Chipboard?
-Yes. -Great.
And the books?
I brought the books from home.
Good.
And this is a gift from me.
Is this gold?
You're the head of state. You're supposed to receive VIP guests.
I guess.
And where will you be?
On top of you.
That is to say, above your office.
The Cabinet is on the second floor.
Okay, I see.
Good. And Parliament?
Let's go. I'll give you a little tour.
Gladly.
You know, Vasyl Petrovych, the move was a great idea.
-Yes. -Plywood.
-Plywood? -Yes.
Good.
This is also plywood.
All the government offices are just a few steps away.
-Old parquet flooring. -Right.
The French ceiling is second-hand.
And this strip of carpet Bella also brought from home.
Is that right?
-What? -I'm kidding.
-You startled me a little. -Really?
This is also plywood.
I thought it was too long a carpet!
-This way. -Right, thanks.
And here, people's deputies will serve their time... Bad wording.
They will work in this room.
That's good, but I don't see
how 450 people can fit in here.
Oh, I didn't tell you. We made cuts to Parliament.
Seventy lawmakers remain.
-Seriously? -Yes.
-Wow. It's not too extreme? -I don't think so.
-The public has long demanded it. -Correct.
No one ever saw many of the lawmakers.
They appear at the first session
just for the banquet.
I agree with you, Yuriy Ivanovich.
-After all, who needs servants like that? -Sure.
Vasyl Petrovych, don't sit.
You didn't know? That's a cursed spot!
It's bad luck.
-Hello. -Hi.
But there's one problem.
How will the remaining lawmakers vote?
Indeed.
Oops.
Watch out, Vasyl Petrovych.
-Sorry. -Be careful.
Like I was saying, how will the remaining lawmakers vote?
There's virtually no room to install the Parliament voting system.
Maybe...
the old way by show of hands?
Right.
-That will prevent multiple voting. -Sure.
Each will vote for themselves.
Right.
And if the lawmaker is absent?
-Just bring their hand. -Well...
-How? -Kidding, Mr President.
You're kidding today.
-Coffee? -Gladly. Is there a cafe?
-Yes, in place of a restaurant. Come on. -Okay.
If all this is working out so quickly, perhaps we could tackle debt?
What debt?
-Gosh! -Excuse me.
-A small fright. -I'll fire you.
The wages that the state owes its employees.
-Who? -Employees.
-Right! -Yes. The cafe?
The cafe? I think it's over there.
So state-paid employees? We're still working on it.
What's there to think about?
Look, we've cut the state machine. Right?
-Right. -And saved around 500 million.
-Right? -Right.
Now we owe the employees about 500.
-Right? -Right.
Then it's that simple! Let's give the employees the 500.
-Right? -Not right.
That money is gone.
-How? -Like that! It was siphoned off.
I mean, it was distributed between the departments.
Wage hikes for lawmakers and ministers...
They have fewer aides, so they will have to work more.
Yuriy Ivanovich, please. They won't do more work.
They will just begin their work.
Siphoned off to departments!
-Where's the cafe? -That way.
Vasyl Petrovych, and the moving expenses?
The remodeling?
Secure phone line installation?
The bike lanes to work and home?
And the actual bicycles?
Two coffees.
Why two coffees?
-Will you have coffee? -Yes.
And cake?
-No. -That's right. We'll cut costs.
The new reform won the approval of the whole nation.
I was curious whether the lawmakers are implementing Goloborodko's law.
For example, here's deputy speaker Holovko
and he truly sat on a thrifty mode of transportation.
NEWS
Clearly, these policies are populism at its finest.
An air castle for the people
to throw dust in their eyes by creating the illusion of reform.
In fact...
I'm also shocked.
...the main principles remain unchanged.
The president's heated speech in Parliament
only briefly deflected the more pressing problems.
But today, we remember that teachers, doctors
and other employees haven't been paid for two months.
Yet, Ukraine faces other problems, as well.
I obviously don't have enough airtime for that.
But it appears Goloborodko prefers moving
to building roads, or unemployment and fighting corruption.
Vasyl Petrovych, it's just an awful paid-for news report.
Don't take it seriously.
She drank the blood of all the presidents.
As they say, dogs bark, but the caravan goes on.
It goes, but not in the right direction.
It's like window dressing.
What we need is real change.
I also think it's time to bury impotent politicians
in the cemetery of history.
Right.
Whom shall we start with?
With you, it seems.
You can't be serious. With me?
Yes. I'm sorry.
I was puzzled
as to why my joints have been aching this morning.
-I knew it was coming. -Sorry. It isn't personal.
It's just that I think
you and your colleagues have been behind the wheel
for a quarter of a century, and where are the changes?
Honestly.
No change.
No reforms.
And including the foreign debt, you're hugely in the red.
You exist in a parallel universe.
The people bark, yet the money still flows.
That's your motto.
If not yours, your colleagues'.
Take a look at who's here.
Who's eating in the cafe?
Secretaries, aides, but no lawmakers.
I don't think they have time to eat. They work without breaks.
Oh, come on, Yuriy Ivanovich.
Why are you defending them?
We're not on a talk show.
We really need different leaders
and, mentally, new country management.
Very well. Let's say that's the case...
Then let me ask you, where will you seek them out?
-Will you clone yourself? -Why me?
As any reputable organization, we'll have competitive recruitment.
Rigorous selection.
-What's so funny? -It's all just funny.
Okay, then.
What you might have overlooked
is that changing everyone at once isn't right.
Perhaps, it's better to fuse youth with experience?
About that...
It's like mixing milk with cucumbers. Excuse the expression.
Vasyl Petrovych, you're new to the political kitchen,
and flatly cannot know
that you can't cross off with one stroke of the hand,
let's say, burgers, hotdogs
and fries from the menu.
Why not?
They will be insulted.
Who?
The burgers. They will hold paid-for rallies.
The hotdogs will block the esophagus.
And then there's the fries...
It won't be discussed at the table,
but the smell of impeachment will suddenly emerge.
Are you threatening me,
Yuriy Ivanovich?
Do you think Parliament won't vote for lustration?
Vasyl Petrovych, I don't think so.
As majority leader, I'm stating a fact.
Now understand this... You want change? Okay.
But for heaven's sake...
curb your appetite a little.
Otherwise, you'll gorge yourself.
Okay, what do you propose?
Let's do it in a way, so to speak,
that the wolves are sated, and briefcases intact.
You leave the old Cabinet in place,
but use your quota appointments.
What will I get then?
The foreign and defense ministers?
Plus, the heads of the central bank and tax service, and security service.
And the majority will vote for your candidates.
I swear it on my mandate.
-Enjoy your drink. -Thanks.
Vasyl Petrovych, here's the order to competitively fill the quota posts.
So soon?
Show me.
All the departments will get copies.
Yes, apparently...
Psychologists, polygraph testers and others are invited.
And also, maybe...
The media is notified.
Tonight, it will be announced on all the channels and social networks.
Do you think...
There will be a host of applicants.
I think that by next week, we could start choosing.
And...
To save taxpayer's money...
we should hold the appraisals here.
Right.
Bella Rudolfovna, is...
Coffee is on the table.
Anything else?
No, thanks.
Thanks for everything.
And thanks for the shirt. Here you are.
What would I do without you?
It's nothing.
Once, a pigeon took a dump on the third president,
two minutes before his meeting with Clinton.
I can handle anything.
Thanks again.
Now...
Mom, don't forget to give Dima his vitamins, okay?
-Blue before, red after meals. -Don't worry, Olya. I got it.
Okay, I'm off.
I won't wait for Vasya.
-Hello. -Greetings, Vasyl Petrovych.
Oh, please.
Did you see that? The president just kissed me.
I have to tweet this.
Son, sweetie pie, how are you?
-Fine. -My golden one.
Dima, Daddy is home!
-Hi, Dad! -Hello!
Handsome boy. How many today? Let me count.
-One, two-- -They're all mine.
I know, of course.
Okay, go wash your hands before dinner.
Olya, would you like to stay for dinner?
Actually, I have dinner plans.
I have a date.
Too bad. Petya, girls!
Vasya's home. Time for dinner!
A date?
Yes. Well, I'll take my leave.
-Bye now. -Your jacket...
Oh, I forgot. Thanks.
-What an honor! -It is.
So, Vasyl Petrovych,
I noticed that your courtyard looks quite spiffed up.
Maybe you could live with us for a month? There's not much to fix.
Just the door buzzer, and the swings need painting.
I could if you like.
Fix the door buzzer.
Vasya, keep your cool, okay?
I couldn't bear a month of you over a buzzer.
-Fair enough. -Okay, I'm off, then.
I won't kiss you a second time because the country won't forgive me.
See you.
Oh, another thing...
Mr President,
please don't show your son those documentaries about Mesopotamia.
-He won't sleep afterwards. Okay? -Yes.
-I'll come for Dima on Monday. Bye now. -Bye.
Why on Monday?
Wait.
Where will you be until Monday?
Mr President,
it's not polite to pose such questions to young, unmarried women.
Look, Goloborodko, this isn't show and tell.
A weekend country trip.
With a young, cute lawyer. He owns a condo.
He's not bad.
You know what... Oh, dear!
That's my mate's dog.
This is the lawyer.
Isn't he cute?
I liked the dog more.
Listen, Goloborodko, don't you care who your son calls Dad?
-What? -I'm kidding, Vasya. Relax.
Okay, wish me luck.
-Bye. -Good luck. Bye.
Dima, to the table. Where are you going?
I'm after an action figure!
Be quick about it.
-Is everything okay, son? -All good, Mom.
Come to the kitchen, honey, sweetie.
We've been waiting for you. The food is warm and delicious.
Still here?
What do you mean?
I thought you'd moved.
-Where to? -Wherever. Some to Mezhyhirya.
Others to Vorontsov Palace.
Maybe even to Synyohora.
What's there?
A vacant president's palace.
Why let good things go to waste?
Vasya, let's...
Maybe enough already?
Enough.
I mean, really. We get the point.
To coin a phrase, concede a mistake and acknowledge guilt.
-Potatoes? -One.
Here you go.
You see, I wanted to get a taste of civilization.
-Did you? -How? Greed got the best of them.
-Okay, enough. -Here's a cabbage roll.
Okay, let it go.
Okay, Vasya, let it go.
Let's just say the incident never happened.
Let's say it that way.
In that case...
A truce, then?
A shot glass of peace?
Forget the shots.
I bought beer.
-Beer? -And roach fish.
Mom, what's the occasion?
Isn't soccer on later?
The quarter-semi-final match.
How could I have forgotten?
Where's the remote control?
Hello, Ukraine! Hello, soccer fans!
What's this?
We're happy to welcome you to the quarter-final.
It's on layaway.
Son, it's just like any other borrower.
I'm the loan guarantor.
Right, I don't have a PC tablet, but now we have a plasma TV.
I'll take that with me to university.
There you go.
I'll pay my share of the loan.
Mom, bring the beer!
-My son! -Yay, it's starting!
Come here!
-Check out my Transformer. -Cool.
Also on loan?
-What? -Watch the match.
Listen, take that cripple off the field.
He can't even kick the ball properly.
How should I know who to put in?
You're the coach. You figure it out.
Okay. Bye for now.
Focus on the game. Stop yakking on the phone.
So what, if I was the one who called?
Just try and place the blame on me!
Chill out, Mikhail Semenovich.
-Your team has no hope of winning. -Of course, it hasn't.
You greased the referee.
-And you've never greased anyone? -What if I have?
But the ref is favoring your team.
Correct. Because I greased his palm slightly more.
Gentlemen! We do have a guest with us.
Good evening.
Good... What's good about it?
Yura, what the hell is happening?
What's happening is that you screwed up the game.
Fooling around... You've got balls.
You're a big man now.
Mikhail Semenovich, don't get worked up.
Yuriy Ivanovich is our partner.
So let's respect each other.
Agreed.
And let's agree to ask Yuriy Ivanovich
why that Goloborodko is appointing his own people?
Misha, there's no need to shout.
I played with the cards I got.
Goloborodko wanted to dismiss the entire Cabinet.
So we got off lightly.
You call that "lightly", Yura?
Those were key positions!
Look, let the boy imagine that he's changing something.
Let him play a little with democracy and reforms.
-But I trust that... -Naturally.
In the end, it'll all work out the way we want it.
That's why I'm in my post, Misha.
As long as everyone does their own thing.
And...
buy a pair of strikers already, would you?
It's the 40th minute. Strange...
Why has there not been a goal yet?
The best player. He shoots, he scores!
What did I say?
That's quite an ending to the match. Bravo!
Right.
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz