The minister job hunt is on!
For the first time,
Ukraine is competitively selecting candidates for top government posts.
-Ready? -Let's take another shot.
Is it a fair selection process or another populist act by Goloborodko?
Yana, you're in my way!
-And you're not, Dasha? -Then move away!
Why don't you move away?
-I work for channel 1+1. -Good for you, hotshot.
-The central bank pile? -So far.
Vasyl Petrovych, here are the applications for the head of Central Bank.
More?
Yes, and the foreign minister candidates are awaiting interviews.
How will I find the time to do all this?
I haven't chosen the tax service head yet.
-I'll brew some coffee. -Please do.
Vasyl Petrovych, I've chosen a few applications.
This is a good one.
-We'll save time this way. -Let's see.
What's good here?
No work experience, incomplete high school education.
Look at the surname.
Abuladze.
-Abuladze. -So what?
Nenashvili, Gaguladze...
Are you collecting Georgians?
The only honest people in the country are Georgians now?
Are there any alternatives?
Yes.
From the Baltics.
Here's an ideal candidate.
He meets all the criteria.
-Arvidas Kopiani. -Yeah?
The mother is Baltic
and father is Georgian.
Listen, stop clowning around, would you?
It's a circus. We have 45 million people.
We can't find candidates among our own?
I'll find one. Where's my pile...
Here!
Here's a pretty good one. Our kind of guy.
Two university degrees, mind you.
A PhD and professor.
20 years in the upper echelons of power.
This person is fit for any post.
His last name is Ukrainian, not Georgian.
Yanukovich.
Yanukovich, how?
He's in Ukraine?
The application was mailed.
But the candidate is ready to talk on Skype
and wants a clean slate.
As a bus depot manager?
The looney bin!
PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
Close one.
They say the competitive hiring is for show
and the posts are going to insiders.
That's not true. Why phrase it that way?
It's a rigorous selection process.
A team of specialists and psychologists are involved.
All the candidates take a polygraph test.
The president personally takes part in selecting the ministers.
But you have it under control?
Hardly. This is the president's initiative.
I'm staying out of it.
My colleagues and I have the day off. We're playing tennis.
Moreover, I'm preoccupied with how I'm going to win a match
against Zhanna Yurievna.
-Zhanna Yurievna! -Hi!
She's a master of sports in tennis.
So excuse me. I'm going to get ready.
I don't like to lose.
Lawn tennis is a great thing.
Zhanna Yurievna!
Your attention, please.
And silence.
Dear candidates for the post of foreign minister...
in a few minutes, the interviews will start.
So many... We'll be here until the morning.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to warn you in advance...
the pay is low...
We've budgeted only 3,000 hryvnias per month.
I believe it's my duty to say that the legislation was changed.
The death penalty will be given for large-scale bribes.
Excuse me. May I have a word?
Why did you say that? It's not true.
And it's inhumane.
Also, a death penalty moratorium is in place.
Voila!
Isn't it easier to choose now?
Break a leg, gentlemen.
Let's go to the office for discussions, please.
To the office, please.
The choice is obvious. Until morning, you said?
Well, the competitive hiring process for the top government posts has ended.
Any minute now...
Good morning.
Morning.
Okay, Dima, go brush your teeth and have a wash.
Aunt Sveta will cook breakfast for you.
Do you want ravioli?
Dima!
Like a deer in headlights!
They're going to show Dad.
Lord! You poor kid.
Before, you only saw Dad on Saturdays.
Now you only see him on the television.
Yeah, instead of Vasya wasting time there,
he should take his son to the zoo.
-Dad. -Why Dad?
What good is that contest? It'll be the same people.
Don't listen to Granddad.
He didn't get enough sleep, so he's talking baloney.
Dad will set things right in the country.
And he'll take you to the zoo. Right?
Oh, there he is right now.
Vasyl Petrovych, please meet the winners of our jobs competition.
Igor Vasilievich Stepanov.
He has a PhD in economics. He'll be the Central Bank governor.
Nice to meet you.
-It's great to have a professional. -Thanks.
Mikhail Goncharenko, the future defense minister.
-We'll team up. -Yes, sir.
A firm hand.
Vasiliy Burulya, the future head of the Security Service.
Vasiliy? Same name.
-Welcome. -Thanks.
Anatoliy Mikhailovich Kudrya, the future foreign minister.
-Thank you. -Pleasure.
Olga Pavlovna Priymak, the future head of the tax service.
-Good afternoon. -This is so official.
As the saying goes, welcome aboard!
I congratulate you and our entire team.
Ladies and gentlemen, it was a tough choice,
but we did find honest and professional people in our country.
Together, we'll improve our country.
That's all. We'll see each other in Parliament.
Vasyl Petrovych, I was just heading your way.
Sign the candidates' list.
-To give to the speaker. -Pen.
Fine choices.
I had a quick look.
You can tell straight away they're pros.
Stepanov, Goncharenko, Burulya.
Kudrya, Priymak?
Right.
How do you know who won the hiring contest?
Well...
Well, you know how great minds think alike?
Yes or no?
I need back up.
The dispatcher says to land.
Why aren't you ready, pilot?
Hurry. Get your stuff and we'll fly away.
Look at him running wild. Chop-chop!
Why didn't I guess they were Yuriy Ivanovich's people?
They fooled the polygraph test, as well as me.
And I? A grown lady and to goof up so bad!
How could I...
It's some kind of vicious cycle.
An honest person must be stupid, then.
A smart person must be a thief.
-A bachelor must be a sex freak. -You said it.
-You mean the lawyer? -Who else?
You see...
It started off so nice.
Nice weekend, nice walks,
a boat ride and he read me poems.
And then we went to his place...
50 Shades of Grey doesn't even come close.
It makes me shudder just to think of it.
I barely escaped. A nightmare.
My reality is worse than your nightmare.
The vote in Parliament is in three days.
I haven't a single person. It's tragic.
Vasya, I'm turning 37 soon and I don't have a man.
Now that's tragic.
I don't understand...
Are all the normal people in this country just gone?
Not all the people.
The men are gone.
You know, Goloborodko,
sometimes I want to say to heck with it, and go back to you.
-Well, I... -Oh, forget it.
-Forget about it. No more. -Well, I...
Okay, no more. Drop it. It's not me talking.
It's the red wine.
-Stop. -Mom, are you coming?
Coming, honey.
-See you, Dad. -Take care, son. Be strong.
In all sincerity,
you never know, Vasya.
We've known each other forever.
At least I know what to expect from you.
Is that the red wine talking again?
Okay, bye.
Bye.
It'll be hot in Parliament today.
You don't have to be a genius to understand
that there will be carnage in Parliament.
It appears that the first clash between Parliament and the president is brewing.
Dear Ukrainians, not long ago
you elected me as president of Ukraine.
That trust is a great responsibility.
However, I must admit...
I cannot succeed on my own.
That's why I spent a lot of time looking for the right team
of faithful, decent and honest people.
And I've put this team together.
So this is your team?
And you want Parliament to vote for this pig in a bag?
You swore your mandate on it.
Vasyl Petrovych, the prime minister doesn't have a mandate.
That's not the point.
The point is that everything has a reasonable limit.
Who are these people?
Okay, let's say Olya Mischenko...
She's your ex-wife and all that.
That's got nothing to do with it. She's a professional.
She burns with desire to help the country.
Now tell me, have you gone crazy?
How can you see me as the head of Central Bank?
That's enough, Goloborodko.
I don't have time for your jokes.
I'm a single working mom.
Olya, where do you work?
You yourself said
that you have no career prospects at your bank.
So what? At least I have security, each day from 10am until 6pm.
I get 7,000 hryvnias and a trip to Turkey. I'm okay.
What are you saying? 7,000 a month and a trip to Turkey?
You have a degree with honors in economy. You're a pro.
Okay...
You can stop now, Vasyl Petrovych. Okay?
Thanks very much for the offer.
It was a pleasure. All the best.
Olya, there's no need to rush.
Think about it!
Vasya, I've made my choice.
-Bye. -Olya!
Okay, I have a question.
Who's this supposed to be? The defense minister?
Do you want to give such a serious post
to some captain?
How will he give commands to generals?
Easily.
Captain Skorik is highly respected by more senior officers.
I'll send you to rot away in prison!
You'll never see the sun! Where are the tires?
I said, where are the tires? Did you drink them away?
I sold them to buy the men boots.
For six months, the men have been running in torn boots.
But why me? They don't fund us!
But for the Escalade, they do.
Why you... Skorik!
With your nature...
you'll die a first lieutenant.
-Captain. -I said "a first lieutenant", Skorik!
As you were.
Greetings, commander-in-chief!
Unit commander, General Borulko.
Greetings.
You're not about to arrest the future defense minister, are you?
Are you, Colonel Borulko?
-General. -Colonel Borulko. Colonel.
Now this is completely hilarious.
This is your Security Service chief?
Where did you dig up this oldie?
Yuriy Ivanovich.
Nina Yegorovna was my homeroom teacher.
And what discipline we had!
Her nickname was Beria.
Yes. Not a woman, but a rock.
And this?
He's your choice...
for foreign minister?
With that kind of face?
He looks more like someone
sought after on the most wanted list.
Vasya, you're distracting me from work.
Me, as foreign minister?
Serge, listen. You can't call this real work.
You're 37, and look what you're doing.
I work in the field in which I studied.
I'm sad that you can't live without doing this.
You studied to become an entirely different person.
You're killing yourself! You're passing away on this crap.
I assure you, you'll be a stellar foreign minister.
Your mom always wanted you to become a diplomat.
Leave my mom alone. She knows where I work.
My job feeds my whole family.
That may be,
but there are also callings in life.
This is a first-rate foreign minister.
Why are you silent, Vasyl Petrovych?
Vasyl Petrovych!
The parliamentarians are waiting.
Where can these untried politicians,
some lacking the requisite education,
take Ukraine?
Above all, why was all the fuss needed
if the country is unlikely to change?
Vasyl Petrovych.
Name at least one reason
why Parliament should vote for them.
Yuriy Ivanovich, name at least one reason
why I shouldn't bring the people to the Maidan?
Why does Goloborodko think
the majority will support his new team?
I'm certain that lawmakers have many questions.
Who are these people, these dark horses?
How, according to the president, will they govern the country?
Greetings...
honored lawmakers.
It's gotten cozy in here.
Now one can see who is present and who is absent.
I'll start, if you don't mind.
Dear lawmakers, today I'd like to present to you the candidates who,
in my strong opinion,
will help our nation to come out of a deep pit.
You've probably already seen their biographies,
but I would like
to add a few words of my own.
For the post of defense minister,
I nominate the candidate Ivan Andreevich Skorik.
I hope that he can sort out the current mess,
and finally eradicate corruption in the army.
For the post of the tax service head,
I nominate Mikhail Ivanovich Sanin.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mikhail Ivanovich,
for your excellent work.
One can say, you are the conscience of the tax service.
I just did my job.
Don't be modest. You opened my eyes to the shortcomings of the tax service.
You uncovered a corrupt network, so to speak,
that included some of my closest deputies.
Here...
Take this!
A gesture of appreciation from the prime minister.
-I entrust it to you. -Thanks.
And sign here.
What is this?
A small formality.
A termination order
in view of unsuitability
in relation to the held position.
Mikhail Ivanovich Sanin, whose scrupulousness and meticulousness
won't let even one kopeck
get past the state treasury.
For the position of Central Bank governor,
I nominate Olga Yurievna Mischenko.
That's his ex.
Lovely.
Incidentally, as her ex-husband,
I can assure you that Olga Yurievna
knows how to monitor all financial streams.
For the post of Security Service chief I nominate
Nina Yegorovna Tretyak.
I'm convinced
that our security is in good hands.
And the last nominee for today...
For the post of foreign minister,
I nominate Sergei Viktorovich Mukhin.
Sergei Viktorovich Mukhin.
Foreign minister.
Elegant,
as always,
Sergei Viktorovich Mukhin.
There are also callings in life.
You'd be a great foreign minister. Handsome and easy to talk to...
You know English. You do, right?
You see, you speak fluent English, Serge.
I beg you. I need you...
Excuse me, but we have two hours of overtime.
Sorry. Sergei, I have to run.
Bye. And quit this job, the sooner the better.
-Goodbye. Thanks. -Thanks.
I've seen you... Good luck.
Okay. Let's resume shooting.
Let's go. No slacking off.
Sergei, I implore you, pretty please, just...
Well, we've got 15 outtakes already.
We can't take the easiest shots.
You just have to count seven stacks of money, that's all.
Sample the cocaine and leave.
Just do that and then you can leave. You don't have to laugh when snorting it.
You don't have to juggle with the money.
-Impossible. -Yes.
It's impossible to look at. We have an expensive set!
-I've got it. -What's your line?
-"This is it." -Forget it, okay?
Forget even this phrase.
Forget all interjections. Yours is the face of a shitting cat.
The best actor doesn't do anything at all.
You don't have to swallow it.
You've managed to eat two packages while we've done one scene.
Two hours of overtime and 15 outtakes!
Yet, you can't open and close this shit.
You come in, count and drop it,
then snort a little cocaine and leave.
And then you get the hell out of my life forever, got it?
Lots of style, but no talent!
His communicativeness, charisma
and quick reactions
will serve our country in the international arena.
I'm finished.
Dear colleagues,
we're putting the president's list of candidates
to a vote.
I'd like to remind everyone that the voting system was dismantled
due to cost-cutting measures.
Thus, we'll vote like in the old days, by a show of hands.
Who is "for", please vote.
Raise them higher, please. Don't be shy.
We need to count each of your votes.
It's unanimous.
The resolution is adopted.
Hail, Vasya.
-You... You're Caesar? -Well done.
There's safety in numbers.
You'll need faithful companions.
Verily, I know.
Yes, Mom. We're together like always, don't worry.
Everything is here and appetizing.
We're at full strength, as always.
Now they're ministers and serious-minded.
I'll send your love to them. Okay. Bye.
Okay. Bye.
-My parents say hi. -Thanks.
Want to watch the news?
A new brand of cronyism.
In government, President Goloborodko
formed his own class 10A.
Where will this mighty handful, without political skill
and core education, take Ukraine?
This channel is lame. I'm switching it.
We spoke with the president's ex-classmate and prefect.
Tanya!
Can you imagine?
Well, I don't know.
How could Olya be head of the Central Bank?
She had straight C's in mathematics.
And anyway, I never saw Mischenko's intelligence shine.
She was always envious of you.
He's a far cry from Reagan.
Minister Mukhin mostly starred in sleazy soap operas and wacky commercials.
-Is constipation getting to you? -Yes.
Then take Tinophor!
TINOPHOR IT WILL ALL COME OUT
Let's turn it off.
Piece of crap.
A drink? Okay?
I want to have a drink with you.
Why the sour faces on everyone?
Chiefly, we're together.
We'll get our asses kicked.
In what way?
When we're together, we always get our asses kicked.
When was the last time that happened?
I don't remember.
We got our asses kicked so hard that I can barely recollect.
The first one was like yesterday.
Well...
I'll refresh your memory.
It was at the Young Leninist summer camp in the Carpathians.
-It's now called Stepan Bandera. -Right.
Right. So what happened?
We got together
and went dancing in the village.
By the way, why did we go there?
Because I wanted to dance.
That's right. You wanted to dance.
But why did I go?
Because you always followed her around like a lost puppy.
Then why did you go?
You went, so I went after you.
I'm the lost puppy? And you went because of me?
You all went, so I did, too.
I went because the entry wasn't free
and I was the only...
Yeah, we know why. It's obvious!
-Then? -We got our asses kicked because of you.
-Because of me? -Who else?
Because of who? Because of this person.
Who refused a dance with the muscleman?
Who told the muscleman, "She doesn't dance with goblins"?
-He heard me say that? -Not the first time.
Someone said it again to him.
-Who said it? -I did.
Me too.
And you.
I thought that was his name - Goblin.
And we got our asses kicked.
I want to make a toast.
We're currently in a similar predicament.
We're in the midst...
of nothing but goblins.
And we have two options...
To flee...
or to stay.
And get our asses kicked.
The whole nine yards, for sure.
But we have a chance...
to try to improve this country.
Guys, you will succeed tomorrow.
Otherwise, right in front of you,
I'll eat my hat without salt.
-Yes. -Which of the greats said that?
-Mister Fix from the cartoon. -Correct.
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz