Quality medicine, European-quality roads
and support for Ukrainian start-ups.
We lack money for all of this.
Each time I ask, Yuriy Ivanovich says...
There's no budget provision.
With that phrase, you're quietly cutting my throat.
That's the reality. The Treasury is dry.
Right, but that's what the government is for.
I've had enough of these despicable reformers.
Look at this eager beaver.
For example, did you know
that due to tax evasion,
the state treasury loses 30 billion hryvnias a year?
Some gain, some lose.
There are fundamental reasons for this.
-The first reason is our Slavic mentality. -Quite true.
It's shameful to evade taxes in America,
yet in Ukraine, it's a way to screw the government.
Therefore, we need to conduct
a solid, comprehensive awareness campaign
with ads on television and the radio.
Professionals could help us with this -
the information policy and culture ministries.
Surely, a villa in the Maldives is swankier.
But Panama has one big advantage.
They don't extradite.
It looks like I have to buy one here and one there.
Will the culture minister help?
One here and one there.
What?
We'll help...
here and there.
The second problem
is distrust of financial institutions.
I also agree with this.
Our people equate paying taxes into state coffers
with gifting money to officials.
So, friends, together with the interior minister,
I propose establishing a mechanism for monitoring budgetary funds.
After all, having it once
doesn't count.
All the more so if you were drunk.
Vitaliy really screwed up, too.
Some old buddy he is.
Lord...
Frankly, I don't how to do this.
Do you, minister?
I don't.
Do you?
I just said that I don't know.
I concur.
We'll take action.
How could my pal do that?
Go on.
The third problem
is the excessively high tax rate.
Yes, the rates are very high.
Sure, why don't you suggest reducing rates?
That's what I was going to suggest.
Did I say that aloud?
Are you against reducing rates?
I'm for it, of course.
But I'm afraid Parliament will oppose.
Is that a problem?
Let's directly ask Parliament now.
-Ask who? -Parliament. Let's go.
-Vasyl! -Let's go.
Vasyl!
PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
Colleagues, today is Trinity Sunday!
Do you fear God? Why don't you?
Settle down, I beg you!
You closet Commie!
-Me, a Commie? -Punk!
I'll show you who's a Commie!
-Show me! -Come on! Enough!
Vasyl Petrovych. Vasyl...
-Hello. -Vasyl Petrovych!
Colleagues, the president is in the hall! Calm down!
-Please. -What's the status of our bill?
Don't you see what's happening?
-Dear... -Vasyl Petrovych.
One sec, Yuriy Ivanovich.
The dollar is at eight!
That also works.
-Mr President. -I was kidding. Sorry.
-Vasyl-- -A sec.
Why are we arguing?
Mr President, maybe you can arbitrate.
Lawmaker Karasiuk insists
that we re-name Marshal Tymoshenko Street.
That's right, because Marshal Tymoshenko was a Communist.
Why do we need Communists?
We take away "Marshal"
and keep "Tymoshenko".
In whose honor?
Are there no worthy people
with the name Tymoshenko?
Who's that?
People, I'm sorry for interrupting your talks on this important subject.
As you know, not long ago,
we registered a bill that is very important for the country.
It's about cutting tax rates.
-Let's take a vote. Yuriy is for it. -I'm...
-Mr Speaker! -I'm for it.
Put it up for a vote.
Yes, right now.
Right.
Dear colleagues,
I put to a vote bill number 20,06
on cutting tax rates.
Please vote. Who is "for"?
-It's unanimous. The bill is passed. -Congratulations.
Great!
Now, you can resume
fighting about Tymoshenko.
Olya Yurievna, hi! Have a nice day. No default, no inflation.
-Thanks. Dmitriy Vasilievich! -Yes?
-Can I have a moment, please? -Sure.
Why isn't my order being carried out?
-Which order? -Which?
Yesterday I signed an order to pay Nikolaevskiy Bank's clients.
Olya Yurievna,
you could sign 100 orders, but there's no money.
There's no money?
It's easy to check. Open the vault.
It's dry, I'm sorry to say.
So, excuse the pun,
but your order is out of order.
I see.
Vasyl Petrovych,
I notified the journalists.
At noon, you're expected at the tax office near the registration spot.
Thanks.
After lunch, you have a meeting with the culture minister.
Okay, Bella.
-Vasyl Petrovych. -Yes, Yuriy Ivanovich.
I fear that we may have blundered this time.
How so?
That's the point.
Cutting taxes is certainly very popular, but don't you think we rushed into this?
Yuriy Ivanovich, I think we did a fine job.
We didn't shelve it.
But do you see this one aspect of the situation?
We were picking crumbs.
It was barely enough.
Are we going to divide the crumbs in half?
It depends on your view.
For instance, in Georgia, after tax-rate cuts,
budget revenue increased 11 times.
But that's assuming people will pay taxes honestly.
Excuse me, but I think, of course,
that everyone should pay honestly.
Is that not so?
I have an inkling, Vasyl Petrovych,
that you're hinting at something.
You always have an inkling.
I'm just saying that all politicians...
should honestly declare their income.
I can only agree.
Have a nice day.
Sergei Viktorovich,
after the handshake and picture,
a roundtable and tea party is part of the meeting.
A tea party is a semi-formal event
during which unconstrained conversation takes place.
-Such as? -Good question.
Propitious tea-party topics are theater, literature and travel.
Untoward topics are ailments, soccer and women.
Can I tell jokes?
Jokes?
Jokes, puns, catchphrases and tales.
Humor, Oksana. Humor.
Humor is permitted.
In your case, it's not.
What do you mean "in your case"?
Sergei Viktorovich, you see, with your humor...
we have to apologize at great length.
You won't let me ever forget the Uganda incident?
Understand that humor must be pertinent to a specific situation.
I know. Do you think I'm clueless?
I don't intend to tell Jewish jokes in front of Jews.
"Jew" is improper. It's better to say "Hebrew".
In front of them, as well.
Every nation has a specific sense of humor.
I've got it already.
I'll tell one neutral joke that everyone will get.
Are you comfortable standing?
Are you comfortable?
Allow me.
Menu please, waitress.
Before the meeting, I should hear this joke.
So this guy goes on a date with a girl and he likes her.
So she invites him to her home.
They have sex.
He's getting ready to leave
and notices a picture of some man in the cupboard.
So he asks,
"Who's this man? Who's he?"
She replies,
"It's all in the past. I want to forget it."
He says, "Be serious. We had sex. We had wine.
You made breakfast in bed.
Who's this man?"
She says, "You want to know?" He says, "Yes, I do!"
She says, "Well...
that's me."
Is that it?
Yes.
Where's the punchline?
Guy meets girl.
She invites him over and they have sex.
He was already leaving, but had noticed some guy's picture.
"That's me," she said.
Where's the humor?
The guy and girl had sex on a first date.
That's low.
Unless it's a parody of the amoral behavior of today's youth,
then it's satire.
It's funny.
Next, we see that he likes the girl
because he notices the picture.
But the girl deceives him.
She never admits to being a man before the sex change.
Maybe the man wanted a relationship with her?
Maybe he wanted to have children,
buy a home, a golden retriever?
Yet, she ruined his dream. That's mean!
It's not humor, it's human tragedy.
It's a joke, Oksana!
By the way,
about this tea party...
It's a delegation from the Netherlands.
Transvestite culture is doing just fine there.
It might turn out
that the joke isn't a joke,
but a delegate's real-life story,
if not the entire delegation's.
Here you are.
Thanks.
Mr President.
A few words about the new tax campaign.
It's very simple.
In Ukraine,
there's widespread tax evasion.
And the high tax rate is a partial cause.
We took the first step in trusting our citizens.
Now let the public reciprocate.
Will it work?
I appreciate your mistrust.
We'll severely punish tax evaders.
But I have faith in our fellow citizens' awareness.
Thank you and goodbye.
The president has just filed his asset declaration
and urged all the citizens of Ukraine to follow suit.
If they don't, he's promised to punish the tax dodgers.
Hello, Vasyl Petrovych.
Hi.
This is how you look?
You look taller on television.
And who are you?
I came to look you in the eyes.
-Does your conscience pain you? -Mine?
You already took away a person's reason to live.
He's got nothing left, understand?
-How? I-- -He clammed up. He shut himself out.
-Wait a second-- -Silent for two weeks.
-Do you see? -Miss!
-Who are you? -Tolya's wife.
Which Tolya?
How easily you've forgotten.
Yet, he was ready to die for you.
Which Tolya are you talking about?
Who was ready to die?
The ex-head of your security!
I understand, finally.
Let's step aside.
-What's your name? -Marina.
Marina.
-You see, Ma-- -Marina.
No, I...
I'm so sorry that...
-I'm deeply sorry that your ma-- -Mar... Marina.
Your man! I don't mean Marina. That he lost his job...
But you and your spouse, as conscious citizens,
must appreciate
that the state can't spend such large sums of money
on the president's care.
I'm not the Lord's Anointed.
-Or a tsar. I'm an ordinary ma-- -Marina.
Manager! You're Marina, I'm a manager.
You see?
The people elected me to effectively manage the country and that's all.
The choppers, limos and bodyguards
don't affect the impact I make.
Do you see?
No.
Then I'll explain it simpler.
Marina...
I don't need bodyguards.
Sorry.
Okay.
Here's a joke.
A man on a bridge gets ready to jump.
He gets on his tip-toes.
A woman runs up and says, "Stop! Wait..."
"Sir, stop, wait!
Don't jump! Don't you dare!
Take these kittens, too."
What?
Also not funny?
Not funny.
One delegate heads the Animal Protection Agency.
She runs four cat shelters.
And what's funny?
A cruel lady wants to kill kittens
at a stranger's expense to absolve her sin.
-It's cruel and violent. I can't-- -Enough.
You could write a dissertation on one joke.
Okay. What do you deem funny?
My favorite one.
In an ancestral castle,
an English lord winds his watch.
An astonished lackey approaches him
and asks, "What are you doing?"
The lord answers,
"You see...
My doctor advised me to exercise more."
It's one of the tower clocks and he's pulling the...
Wrong.
-He's moving the hands, right? -No.
Physical exercise.
Okay.
Oksana, let's agree
that from now on,
we'll no longer spoil each other's moods with jokes.
-But-- -Enjoy your meal.
Each year,
I file an honest declaration.
This year wasn't an exception.
I listed all my assets.
Each kopeck,
every acre of land.
Every acre? How about every hectare?
Where is it?
I'm not hiding anything. Unlike some people.
Alas... What have I got to hide?
Everything I earn breaking my back is listed in the declaration.
The president said to do it, so we did it.
We need to do something for this country.
That's why.
Glory to Ukraine.
Excuse me, I have to get going to Parliament.
What can I say?
Glory to the heroes.
It seems the president's drive is resonating.
Just now, parliamentary faction leaders filed,
as they affirmed, honest declarations.
Could matters have moved beyond the deadlock?
Gentlemen, it's a brilliant idea.
Pay attention.
The Kremlin is in the frame.
And so is a Russian jingoist.
A typical one with a fur cap.
And he says the most common phrase
in a Moscow accent,
"What do I look like, a sucker?
I don't pay taxes and don't intend to."
End quote.
A slogan to finish. "Only Russian jingoists don't pay taxes."
Right. Excuse me, but are there any more ideas?
Yes, let me tell you them. Here she is, my adorable one.
Imagine this...
It's a fine, sunny day.
Bright and light.
In a huge meadow, a green forest meadow, a caterpillar crawls.
The caterpillar crawls and wobbles.
It's a lizard.
Let it be a lizard. Why not? Now look...
A lizard crawls in the sunny forest meadow.
Purple... A big purple lizard.
-Purple? -Yes.
Well, it has a yellow belly.
-A yellow belly? -Sure.
Yellow, with a blue back. Yellow and blue.
A yellow-blue lizard. It's symbolic!
This is Ukraine?
-Ukraine. -It's symbolic. So look...
It crawls. Who will play the lizard?
The guy who played D'Artagnan in Three Musketeers. "Hey, you rascal!"
Then, the sky goes dark.
Thunder strikes.
Who appears? A lion!
Dressed as a tax inspector.
What does the lizard do?
-Drops some of its tail. -D'Artagnan?
And smugly leaves the scene.
Here's the slogan.
"Give the state a slice
or we'll take everything."
It's brilliant.
-May I have a word, please? -Sure.
-Great slogan! -Sorry!
-"Give the state a slice..." -Breathtaking.
Where did you find this luminary?
Two hours of hearing crap! My head is going to explode.
He's our best film director.
The ministry regularly funds his movies.
This is why we don't have movies.
Let him finish. I'm sure he has fresh ideas.
Yes...
Arkadiy!
Excuse us, please.
-Do you like it? -Yes. Is there anything...
Something more natural? Do you follow?
-Naturally, I have natural. -Yes.
Brilliant. I kept this for the end, but I'll tell you about it now.
Imagine a laboratory.
The view is through a microscope lens.
Two bacteria are out for a light walk.
They're played by two B-list actors.
-They arrive and what? -They talk?
Of course. They argue about the tax system.
This will be epic.
I'll get the B-list actors. Easy!
-I know them all. -Excuse me for interrupting.
In 20 minutes, you meet with the French president.
-Wow, really? -Yes?
Yes, you clearly forgot.
Great! In fact, in 20 minutes--
-I will-- -I remember!
I have an important meeting.
-Sorry. -You and the French president.
You shake his hand!
-Wait! -Seven lizards are on you.
-And amoebas. -Go with the minister.
Go to his office.
We appreciate your ideas. They're fabulous.
Thank you. I have a meeting.
-Think about it! -Okay. I have to go!
If need be, we could replace the B-list actors.
Thank you. It's just that I have to go. Just...
-Vasyl Petrovych. -Yes?
So which one shall we choose?
-Maybe the Russian one? -No!
Definitely not Russian.
-Right, of course. -Okay.
Thank you.
You're my savior, Bella Rudolfovna.
You're welcome.
Mr Avermars says they're satisfied with the meeting's outcome.
It's tea time.
-So here's a joke! -Sergei Viktorovich.
Translate.
So,
a man is standing on a bridge.
He's getting ready to jump and commit suicide.
A woman runs up to him and says,
"Young man, wait!
Wait, don't do it, wait.
Here, take these kittens, too!"
Oksana.
Why didn't you tell my joke?
What did he say?
He says that he owns cat shelters.
Hold on...
You said a female delegate has shelters.
He's the "she" delegate.
Shall we tell the one about the photo?
No! Don't!
Bon appétit!
Help yourselves. Make yourselves at...
Do you know what Dmitriy Vasilievich told me?
He said he doesn't take orders from me,
and that he won't listen to me.
Is that normal?
No, that's abnormal.
But which Dmitriy Vasilievich?
Our son or your deputy?
My deputy.
Hey, can I fire him?
Yes, you can.
Great.
About our Dmitriy Vasilievich...
We need to give 1,000 hryvnias to remodel the classroom.
Take it from your purse. I'll repay you later.
You owe my purse for Dima's rollerblades.
Okay, later.
Take this! Here! Take this!
Ten seconds.
Three knife wounds to your vital organs.
Yet, I'm only a housekeeper...
God, ma'am!
Marina! Tolya's wife.
Marina, Tolya's wife, you're crazy.
I'm actually sane and you're basically a corpse.
-Goodbye! -What if a real killer were in my place?
I said, goodbye.
Don't you realize that you really need a guard?
You need a psychiatrist.
Okay. I'll see a psychiatrist if you give Tolya his job back.
Marina, Tolya's wife,
as far as I know, Indira Gandhi had 100 bodyguards.
And did that help her?
They killed her!
Tolya isn't like that!
-Hello. -Hello!
He'll never kill you.
Marina, which way are you going?
-The subway. -Subway?
-Yes. -Then I'm taking the bus.
Are you following me?
-The bus is better. -Better?
-Yes. -I'll take the subway.
You're crazy!
Go away!
Please.
Gentlemen, aren't you sick of playing Monopoly?
Absolutely not!
At least here I could snatch
the Odessa Port.
As its owner,
I want to announce that people overstate its profits.
Not by the looks of you.
Three, four, five.
Who has Kyivenergo?
If you wish.
Right...
I'll pay you
and pay taxes.
You've oppressed
an honest businessman.
As if you pay taxes!
Of course!
Or I go to prison.
In Israel, we have it tough.
I don't get it.
Why should we pay taxes?
We first give money away
only to take it back.
It's like taking from the left pocket and placing it in the right.
Good evening, gentlemen. You called?
We wanted to praise you for your promotion,
in relation to the premature departure of Krivitskiy.
The promotion is unofficial, of course.
But it's no less honorable.
It's also very favorable.
Here's your first task...
There's a tradition in this country.
Even the new president can't breach it.
In politics, you get smeared.
We need to know his price,
how long his leash is.
Here's the deal...
We want dirt on Goloborodko.
All the dirt.
Essentially, you understand,
we need an obedient president.
I see.
CARVING UP
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz