Is this enough?
Wow! Enough to feed an army.
Mom, you didn't win a Nobel prize.
A normal spread for your retirement.
-What should I do? -Yes.
-Okay. -Are we going?
-Yes! -Pit stop at the station.
Okay.
-Good morning, Mom. -Honey.
Happy first official day of retirement.
Thanks, Vasya. Sit and eat heartily.
Salad and cutlets.
I can't, I have a meeting with the IMF.
I have too much to do,
pay the utility bills.
Dad, bills?
I'm seeing the IMF. I don't know how long.
Right, you have the IMF, and I have dog shit.
Son, take some cutlets for the IMF.
Yeah, right!
They give us this much,
and we give this much, right?
I heard that Rovno Oblast
has loads of amber.
Maybe I'll mine that stuff?
Don't even start on this topic.
Alright. Why do I need amber, right?
I'll drill for oil in Poltava Oblast.
And gas in Uzhgorod!
PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
I congratulate Mr Goloborodko
for ascending to the post of president of Ukraine
and I express my satisfaction
with the democratic processes taking shape in the nation.
Thank you.
I appreciate the greeting, Miss Rasmussen.
At the same time, as the IMF chief,
I am deeply concerned
with the unmet terms of the agreement.
Honestly, I'm new to the job.
I don't quite understand which specific terms you're referring to.
It's about the IMF loan.
The first tranche of $5 billion,
you received as a gesture of good faith.
Upon that, reforms were promised
that were not carried out.
Therefore, I'm compelled to issue an ultimatum.
Either you implement reforms in one month,
or return the money.
In the worst case, you face the threat
of international economic sanctions.
The foreigner is barefaced in her speech to the prince.
I like her type.
Did I tell you, my wife is of Scandinavian descent?
Yaroslav the Wise, I'm a historian. I know.
Heed my advice.
Marry her.
Marry her?
That is foolish.
Foolish was you borrowing money!
Debt is the beginning of slavery.
A wedding is a dowry.
Land,
silver, gold!
I know, but she isn't my type.
Don't just think about yourself!
Think about the nation!
Look at her.
What a magnificent beauty!
She'll bear
a whole household of children!
Yaroslav the Wise, what children?
I have a son already.
Have him marry her!
He is underage!
Let her raise him!
There must be someone you can spare to marry her!
Spare?
I established blood ties with all of Europe.
I didn't pay them,
but they paid me tribute!
They respected me.
Listen, Vasyl.
Do they still impale people
in your era?
I fear Europe won't approve.
I never had to ask Europe
who I could impale on a stake!
Yuriy Ivanovich!
You're of good upbringing.
So?
As a gesture of deep respect,
I propose, Vasyl Petrovych,
that you ponder and deliver your resolution over dinner.
I hope that it will be the right decision.
Sure.
-Where are you going? -I have lots to do.
Care to offer an explanation?
Meaning?
Meaning that I sat and blushed
and felt like an idiot.
Why didn't you warn me?
I thought you weren't interested.
I'm very interested!
What did your government spend 5 billion on
that we have to return?
-May I? -Sure.
Vasyl Petrovych, you catch on quickly.
Yes, blame it all on your predecessors.
Very convenient.
You think it's funny?
Me? God forbid.
We simply borrowed money
to pay back the loans of predecessors,
who borrowed money
to pay back the loans of their predecessors.
-Who, in turn-- -Enough.
I know this formula well.
We won't behave this way.
We'll give back the first tranche.
Okay? Prepare the order.
-Which order? -The order!
So state workers won't be paid this month?
Or pensions won't get paid?
That's ludicrous.
As if you used it for wages and pensions.
You're insulting me.
Insulting or not,
if there's no money, then make reforms.
Raise the retirement age
and utility prices.
All in one month, not a year.
Correct. All in one month instead of a year.
Good luck.
I hope you know some patriotic-minded border guards.
Okay, what do you propose?
Vasyl Petrovych, you don't have to reinvent the wheel.
We'll borrow money from the European Union
and pay off the first IMF tranche.
Let's theorize. How do we pay off the EU loan?
Borrow from the US.
How do we pay the US loan?
Don't get mad,
but you're like a child.
The key word here is "later".
Let your successors bang their heads worrying about that.
I think they will also borrow from the EU.
This is our so-called national know-how.
The eternal engine of debt in the economy.
Sure, but don't you see
that these steps will lead to default.
Wonderful! Default is...
It's our national dream.
First we strove for communism,
now for default.
In case of default,
they will write off our loans.
I know.
And later they will stop lending money forever.
Don't worry...
about later.
Have a nice day.
This is one of three depositories.
Five rooms equipped with modern Diebold safes.
The walls are 50 cms thick and made of reinforced concrete.
If somebody gets the bright idea to crack the wall,
it will take 20 hours to do.
So much information.
Do you give daily tours?
Sure. This is my life.
I live and breathe it.
I'm kidding.
I take each new central bank chief here.
But you're the first sightseer to be so charming.
After you.
I trust there's real gold in there
and not ceramic like in Odessa?
Olya Yurievna, when was that?
Six months ago.
-That was before you. -Of course.
Sergei!
Sergei.
It's me, open the door!
Sorry.
Is Sergei home?
-Who? -Sergei.
The owner of all this stuff.
-Come in, please. -Thanks.
Sorry for coming at an inopportune time.
-Excuse me. -Yes?
Can I take a selfie?
-Is it proper? -Yes.
Okay.
Smile.
Nice! Would you maybe...
-Would you like some coffee? -Yes, please.
Sergei Viktorovich will have a double.
-I'll take a shower first. -No problem.
Okay.
This is quite fun!
Right.
You're very cool!
Likewise, thanks.
Sergei.
Sergei, get up.
Sergei Viktorovich.
Fatty!
Rise.
Okay, then.
Here we go.
Sergei.
Kitty needs a time out, not now.
You need a time out?
Kitty is tired.
Kitty got drunk?
I had a few drinks.
Kitty is a lush.
Rita, why are you snoring like this?
Oh my!
Vasya, what are you doing here?
I was in the neighborhood.
I thought I would visit the kitty.
Is he hungry? I brought Whiskas.
The kitty is important, he is the foreign minister.
Why isn't the kitty attending meetings?
What time is it?
-It's early. Only 2 p.m. -What?
Two o'clock.
Why did you come so late?
Who knows what you're up to.
What am I up to?
I could answer that question.
You're the foreign affairs minister.
We have to see the International Monetary Fund.
But you're in bed with some blondie.
Don't yell, twat.
I'm a twat?
You're the face of our nation on the international arena.
No more, kitty.
Get dressed.
By the way, I was resolving our nation's problems
in the international arena.
Not with my face...
I know what with.
Okay.
You say that
there are three depots in Kyiv?
-Yes. -How many in total in Ukraine?
-26. -26.
Our gold reserves amount to $18 billion.
Right.
How much is in this room?
In total, there are seven tons and 125 kilograms of gold...
2 billion, 725 million, 142 thousand dollars.
Plus, one billion, 447 million, 238 thousand euros.
Astonishing.
So exacting! You know it to the last cent?
Do you have doubts?
No.
Be proud, you impressed your boss.
It wasn't difficult.
It's all written down.
Very professional, Dmitriy.
Thanks.
Well, well.
Why are you quiet?
Nothing else to read?
No.
You know everything else. If you don't, then you can guess.
For example, in the US, gold reserves
equal seven thousand what?
Correct, 133 tons.
-Yes. -Who is second?
-Correct, Germany, and so forth. -Germany.
Can we return closer to Ukraine?
Of course.
You have a very nice dress on.
Dmitriy Vasilievich, please, stop.
Regarding Ukraine,
then we have to drop 51 places down.
Incidentally,
this blondie is the head of the youth and sports department of the Baltics.
Sure. Of the whole world, I think.
Do I look like an idiot?
What is this?
RITA MIKOLIUNAS
Intriguing.
Rita... Mikoliunas. Not bad.
-You wouldn't know. -Of course.
A little baggy...
not enough sleep.
After all, three rounds of talks.
Don't sugar coat it.
In your youth, you could handle two meetings.
Shut up.
We reached a consensus.
Now our young and gifted athletes
will vacation in Jurmala.
For one or two months.
I don't remember the agreement.
For six months, to be exact, right?
Six months.
Nice.
Now go, your homeland needs you.
Can it wait while I use the bathroom?
If you can't wait, the homeland will.
-Thanks, homeland. -Go.
I also won't forget you.
Do you take sugar?
-Are you married? -Vasya!
I am saying sugar with my coffee, sugar.
Do you want to hold it?
I don't know.
-Go ahead. -May I?
Sure!
It is... our gold.
Is it heavy?
Wow.
-12,5 kilograms. -Right.
You're holding $650,000 in your hands.
-Wow. -How do you feel?
I don't know. It's all just numbers to me.
I see your look has changed.
You look like a gold rush miner, Dmitriy.
Do you like it?
I like it, Olya Yurievna.
I do, I love it.
You know...
there's a special aura here.
-Really? -Yes.
Remember Pushkin?
What about him?
"I shall light a candle
before each chest.
I shall open them all
and stand in the midst of them,
gazing at the gleaming heaps.
I... reign!
What enchanting...
glitter!"
Bravo, Dmitriy Vasilievich.
You're not in the right job.
Actually, I never took a liking to acting.
In childhood,
I dreamed of working in the circus.
As a juggler.
-What happened? -What happened?
-What is it? -Nothing.
Have you gone mad?
Is it your dress? I--
What dress? How dare you do that?
-Let me go. -Wait.
-I'll kiss you again. -What?
-Olya Yurievna! -Listen, Dmitry!
Just because I'm divorced,
it doesn't mean that I'm looking for someone.
I want to leave. Open the door for me.
Okay, I'm opening the door.
Olya Yurievna,
the door isn't opening.
What do you mean?
How dare you? Open the door! Kindly open it, now!
There's no reason to be upset.
It slammed shut.
Wonderful. Call the security chief.
Yes, we should call the security chief.
There's no reception here.
-What? -No reception.
-What? -None.
Are you teasing me?
No reception and the door is locked.
-Yes. -Now what?
-I don't know. -Are there cameras?
Cameras?
There are no cameras because it's a new depot.
They haven't been installed.
-Great. Wonderful! -Yup.
-Olya... -Are you messing with me?
-No. -Let's call for help.
Hey. Anyone, help!
Do you hear us?
Let us out!
-Olya Yurievna, no one can hear us. -Hello?
Don't bother shouting.
There's 50cms of concrete wall.
Even if I rape you here
in a perverted way...
Why did I say that?
Listen here, Dmitriy!
Cool the ardor of your erotic fantasies.
Is that clear?
You'd better think how to get out of here.
Is anyone ever scheduled to come here?
No need to be upset.
People periodically come here.
How often is periodically?
Every time
the nation's gold reserves are replenished.
Last time that happened,
I think... in 2007.
Olya Yurievna, I'm joking.
Tomorrow, there is a shift change.
You're such an obnoxious person,
Dmitriy Vasilievich.
Oh, Olya Yurievna...
I surprise myself.
My brain totally isn't working.
Why is that? Is it the weather?
Look, stop mocking me!
Okay, Vasya.
-One more time. -Okay.
You want to conduct reforms.
-That, I got. -Yes.
-Because we can't repay the money. -Alas.
I also get that.
So, what do you not get?
I don't get my place in all this.
Let's go over it one more time.
So.
Who is the IMF chief?
-Who? -A woman.
-Who are you? -Who?
A lady's man.
A collector!
I collect women
of various professions.
Listen, collector,
you just have to charm a lady.
Like the Baltic one?
No, you Baltic sailor. Not like that.
Just sit and talk to her.
Be interesting, you know. Have some wine.
See how it goes. Just get a delay.
For six months, or better, a year.
I think you're using me.
I think so as well.
Is she attractive?
Very.
Mr President!
Which one is she?
Then again, what's the difference?
-Good afternoon. -Afternoon.
Hello.
You...
You said that you wouldn't be alone.
So I also decided to bring a friend.
Matilda Olsen, head of the EBRD.
Matilda.
-Vasyl Petrovych. -Matilda.
-Sergei. -Helga.
-Vasyl Petrovych. -Helga.
Helga.
Helga!
Please join us.
Here you are.
We sit here.
Well, please.
Please, careful.
-We'll just.... -Yes.
We'll sit here.
Okay.
Would you like an aperitif?
-A little white wine. -Red wine.
For you?
Vodka!
Are you comfortable?
Sort of.
I could spread dollars underneath
and cover you with euros.
Always joking, Dmitriy.
Laudable.
You deceived me
about this place being empty.
Pity.
If there was food here, I would eat it.
-Are you hungry? -Very.
What a funny predicament.
Money...
tons of it.
Yet, nothing to buy.
However...
Wow.
Drinking on the job?
Exclusively not during work time.
Exclusively good whiskey.
Your husband... I mean your ex.
-Does he drink? -Vasya?
Vasyl Petrovych?
No way.
Never ever.
Not one drop.
I'm envious.
Such willpower.
Sergei. Where are you?
Where am I?
I'm here.
Where are you?
Are you still asleep?
Me?
No, I'm on my way.
I'm on my way, I'm nearby.
Traffic is at a standstill.
What are you...
yacking about?
Hurry up, the group came at 11 a.m.
What group?
You don't remember?
Yesterday we agreed to record a speech.
A speech to whom?
To the country.
To which country?
To Zimbabwe!
Hurry, people are waiting.
Last question.
Why me?
Because, you lush,
you're the president of the country
and the people elected the hungover one.
He'll be here soon.
Any minute now.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR RETIREMENT
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz