Come in.
Good morning.
-Good morning. -Arrived early again?
Yes. I've nothing to do, so I'm watering the plants.
I came early, even before sunrise.
So the protesters don't see me.
I came when it was light.
I didn't see any protesters.
Why is that?
Because they are not here.
What do you mean?
You're still here? I thought you'd fled the country.
-Where to? -Anywhere, with your diplomatic passport.
Don't start dramatizing.
Why are you so calm?
Call Skorik, alert the army. Do something.
Declare martial law, or whatever it's called.
Is your head screwed on right?
We have rockets. Just fire them and that's it.
What rockets? Fire at the people?
On the protesters?
What protesters? On the meteorite.
What meteorite? What's happening, I don't get it!
Focus, man. You don't know?
I know nothing at all.
What's happened?
PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
How did you ever come up with the meteorite?
-Where is it from? -From there.
From where?
-To where? -Here.
Are you kidding? I thought you were good people.
People with a sensible plan.
You're not satisfied? You wanted the people to go away.
They did.
But not by any means necessary.
Next you'll be using a water cannon!
That was my idea.
-What? -Could have used gas.
Are you mocking me?
A meteorite is a normal natural disaster.
Locusts, floods - remember the Bible?
It always works.
I was against the meteorite!
I proposed that last distraction with the wreath
that fell on Yanukovich!
That cheap fishing line had people talking for a year.
What are you talking about?
You are grown adults!
Did you have any normal ideas?
Yes. I proposed an epidemic.
-What? -Bird flu.
That was unoriginal!
I was for the second official language issue.
Quiet now!
Quiet, let's not go to extremes!
The second official language issue is momentary federalization.
It would be like Russia's Sakhalin island last year.
They had a referendum.
They seceded, and neither Japan nor Russia care now.
I still think the meteorite was the best option.
-Is the president in? -He is in a Cabinet meeting.
Got it.
-When... -You can see him after me.
Sure.
Oksana!
What are you doing here? Where have you been?
The British are here!
I canceled the meeting.
Why?
Because you didn't come.
That's enough.
Why did you come here?
To speak to the president about your behavior.
You came to rat on me?
Why not speak to me first?
It's pointless.
Talking makes no difference...
Excuse me,
can you clear the air elsewhere?
Let's go.
Right. Listen to me carefully.
Dear colleagues...
astrologists, and you.
The meteorite topic is closed.
Got it? I don't want to hear any more about it by the end of today.
Not in newspapers, on the TV, nor the internet.
Call off the meteorite. Clear?
-There is no meteorite. -Vasyl.
-Excuse me, but it is on course! -To where?
-This way. -Here's the deal.
Let your meteorite fly back. Back home to its base.
Anywhere. Just not to Ukraine!
Even to the Kremlin!
That was my idea!
What? Listen...
It was a figure of speech.
Am I clear or not?
If there is no meteorite,
the protesters will return.
-Of course. -Without fail.
Calm down.
Be silent.
One second.
The public won't return.
I've got it.
One...
cancel the tax on state employees.
Because it's ludicrous. Think about it.
How can we tax the people
that we pay with those taxes?
It's absurd to the extreme.
Plus, introduce a luxury tax.
Yes.
So that the rich
pay for the poor.
That's it. Any questions?
No questions. All the best.
PRIME MINISTER OF UKRAINE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE
You are a walking misconception.
I dawdle after you like a child.
I tolerate your disorderliness. I hope you'll change.
Yet you come to work dressed for a night club.
Do you know why?
Because you don't care!
You don't care about your reputation, nor the nation's.
You are a complete slacker.
You can't do anything,
except tell humorless jokes and chase after skirts.
That's it, I'm done.
-I'm a slacker. -A slacker.
With humorless jokes?
Our deal - no offense.
None taken.
Stop.
Can I talk now?
Don't enter.
It's occupied.
My office?
Mukhin is having it out with his assistant.
So...
who is winning?
I'm not listening.
It's a tie so far.
Okay.
I'll have a coffee.
No, I've not heard of modus procedendi.
But I'm trying my best to help the nation.
Though not always to protocol.
You wear the face of a busy bee,
as you walk around all prudish and bent.
How old are you, 35?
Twenty-seven!
A young girl!
A body, legs
and all that.
You have the goods!
What is that? My grandma was buried in a dress like that.
You have to change a little.
Get a hairstyle.
Wear lipstick sometimes.
You might find a normal guy and get a simpler outlook on life.
Then you'll stop driving people crazy!
Is that all?
-No offense? -None taken.
What about the British?
I rescheduled for the evening.
Let's do a rundown, gentlemen.
The country is unstable.
The public's lives
are worse.
Goloborodko's rating is plunging again.
Check.
Show your cards.
Full House.
Four of a kind.
Straight flush.
Royal flush, gentlemen.
I've had quite a lucky streak recently.
Goloborodko jumped at the bait.
We haven't even slept together.
I think it'll take one, maybe two weeks,
and you'll have a tame president.
Good evening.
Secretary of state for foreign affairs.
I see you came alone.
I'm also alone.
My assistant, as usual, is late.
Are you mocking me?
Oksana, is that you?
Did I change dramatically?
Not really...
I'm simply heeding the words of management.
-You don't like it? -Why?
On the contrary.
It's just...
the chest...
The chest?
It's there.
Are you mocking me?
No, it's good that it's there.
Sergei,
concentrate.
The delegation will arrive soon.
Please remind me. Who are we meeting?
The British.
Compose yourself while I greet the guests.
-Sergei. -Yes?
Order an aperitif for yourself.
Okay.
Holy shit.
Our nation is quite endowed.
For example, its geographical location.
Four of the ten
European transportation corridors pass through its territory.
Any truck can make it from Kyiv to any European city in two days.
But customs is a problem.
Customs, as usual.
The complexity of cargo checks scares carriers away.
Exactly.
Also, our country has ten large
sea ports.
The biggest one is the Odessa Port.
Every day through the Odessa Port...
They come in,
and come out.
Come in,
and come out.
Come in...
and come out.
What?
Pardon me.
Come in and come out?
Ships.
What?
Ships come in and out. What else comes through a port?
Sure, right.
The carrying capacity of the Odessa Port
is 21 million tons of dry
and 25 million tons of liquid cargo a year.
We also have a favorable climate.
A hot,
yet temperate, climate.
Mild winters...
and high humidity is conducive to winemaking.
33% of the world's black soil
allows our country
to be the top producer,
and top exporter of sunflower oil.
To lead in dairy production...
and to be second...
in the export of wheat.
Nature also didn't deprive us in the field of energy.
Sure.
Having just 0,4% of the world's land area,
Ukraine accounts for 5% of the world's mineral resources.
Ukraine also has 3% of the world's coal reserves.
What about oil?
We've 1,7 billion tons.
Also, 6 billion cubic meters of natural gas.
Admittedly...
the gas
is very deep...
underground.
How deep?
Very deep.
I understand.
It's good that you understand everything.
Vasyl Petrovych.
Can you hear me?
Yes, Anna...
Sorry.
-Bella Rudolfovna. -They are here.
The meeting with central bank officials.
Okay, thanks.
Yes, indeed.
I completely forgot.
Sorry. Do you mind finishing another time?
Sure.
Thank you.
-Mr President? -Yes?
We will definitely finish.
Okay. Thanks.
-The tea? -It's poured.
Those geniuses.
Listen.
A retraction:
"Meteorite Lucifer has collided with space debris,
which has changed its course.
It will fall somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.
As President Goloborodko said..."
That's not interesting. You see, Mom?
And you fainted.
No apocalypse.
Lord!
If that's the case, then you can screw this damn door in!
Tomorrow.
-Petya. -What? I have to go to work.
I could take the day off,
do some housework,
fix the door.
But I have to earn money to pay for utilities.
Thanks to your son.
He's your son too.
That's not been proven.
We know this law will provoke the flight of big capital
from our currency markets.
In turn, as you know,
this will cause inflation to rise by 10%.
Excuse me.
On our side,
we ask that you veto this law.
Otherwise we'll face huge problems.
Yes, huge...
Yes, huge.
So, if I understand you correctly, we can count on the veto?
-Mr President? -Yes?
Can we count on the veto?
We can...
count on the veto.
-Why not count on it? -Great. One more question.
We offered two ways to stabilize the currency rate.
Did you look them over?
-Of course. -Good.
Which variant will we enact?
Which is better?
Mr President?
Vasyl Petrovych?
Two variants.
Which variant is better?
What do you think?
-The white one. -White?
Right. Which white one?
Why should I choose?
Choose amongst yourselves.
Excuse me for interrupting again.
The trade union officials await you.
-Both of them? -All of them.
That's it.
Mr President, pardon me.
-A minute on a personal matter. -Yes?
I know you're in a different galaxy.
-Return to Earth for a while. -I'm back.
I want to send Dima on a trip to Poland.
-I need your permission. -I agree.
And a copy of your passport. Please get it to me.
I'll bring it.
It has to be done. I'll go to the embassy next week.
Yes, for next week. These people have been waiting for an hour!
Don't forget like you always do!
I'll bring it.
See you later. I have to go.
Gosh.
Sorry. Oops.
Let me help.
-Are you okay? -Sorry.
No harm done?
Now we're even.
Your strategic plan.
-Yes. -Now we're even.
-Did I hit you hard? -No.
It's a tie. Can I offer you something cold?
-Well... -Beer, chicken leg?
No, only the frozen accounts of Firtash.
Funny.
Okay. Until later?
-Yes. -Okay.
-To the elevator. -Yes?
-Yes. -Me too.
-Let's go together. -Together.
-Anna Mikhailovna. -Yes.
Here it is.
Anna Mikhailovna.
If you want to hear my opinion...
Absolutely.
-Go ahead. -White.
White?
The color white. White.
I said, white. I said that?
Yes, I did. The color white.
The white one suits you more.
I don't know what you're talking about.
-You don't? -No.
You sent a picture
of a white corset to my phone.
I sent it to you from my phone?
It's somewhat awkward.
For me it's very awkward. Lord, it happened by chance.
I was sending the pictures to my girlfriend.
I'm sorry. I'm embarrassed.
Don't be. Don't be embarrassed. It suits you.
-Where's the elevator? It suits you. -Thanks.
-You're making me blush. -Thanks? I thank you.
It made me happy...
Where is the elevator?
Get out!
A coincidence.
-Hello. -Hi. Sorry.
It's such a slow elevator.
-Let's go inside. -Let's go.
-Which floor? -Third.
-Me too. -You too.
I hope you deleted the pictures?
Of course not. Oh, yes!
I deleted them immediately.
I knew you were a decent person.
I'll pick it up. It's okay.
-I'm so sorry. -It's okay.
I'm so clumsy today.
-We have a thing for folders. -Thank you.
You're welcome.
Have we stopped?
We're not moving.
That makes sense.
We're standing, not moving. It's okay.
The elevator at home always breaks. It's okay.
I got stuck overnight once.
You shouldn't have said that. I get claustrophobic.
-You have claustrophobia? -I can't breathe.
Calm down, I'll sort it.
Hello!
Elevator man!
Hello, elevator operator!
Can you breathe quieter? I can't hear the elevator man.
Hello, can you hear me?
We are stuck. Nobody can hear us.
Let me hold them.
-Can I help? -No. I can't breathe.
My heart is going to leap out, feel it.
Yes.
Do you feel it?
Yes, I feel it.
Yes, honestly...
The size of your heart is sufficiently big.
I think the heart is on the other side.
The other side? Let's try the other side.
-Wow. -It's more frightening, right?
-Two hearts. I mean, two... -Two hearts.
These two items that you have are kind and open.
Thoughtful heart. Hearts.
You know what? Can you undo it?
-Is it time? -It's time.
I can't, I'm holding the heart.
-Let the heart go and undo it. -Really?
I don't want to let go.
Okay, fine.
Not you, me!
-Sorry. What should I undo? Here? -Yes.
-You chose white, after all? -Yes.
-It suits you. -Thanks.
-You're welcome. -Thanks.
Rather pretty.
What?
-Can you wave? -Sure, I can.
-Not like that. I'm hot. -Sorry. I didn't get it.
Now breathe, breathe...
Blow!
-Let's do it this way. -Yes.
Is that good? You feel better now?
-No. -What?
-Distract me some more.
If only someone could distract me.
Tell me anything.
What can I tell you? I could...
I didn't study anatomy, but history.
-I doubt I could help. -Yes.
Something about history?
Byzantine history, ancient Egypt...
The two hemispheres... Always at war.
-What a nightmare. -Be quiet.
Look at me.
I'm looking.
I'm feeling much better now.
You have such eyes...
They're simply bottomless,
I can drown myself in them.
-Will you feel better if you drown? -Yes.
Vasyl Petrovych, are you there?
Is everything alright?
Do you hear me?
Yes, Bella Rudolfovna.
We'll get you out right now.
In one minute.
You always call at the wrong time.
Be quick.
Do you know where Vasyl's passport is?
I can't find it.
And you won't. I have it.
Why do you have it?
To get a state subsidy.
Your wonder child raised utility bills.
What happened?
Nothing. I just need to take Vasyl's passport.
Sure, right away.
-Please. -A case of vodka and I'll think about it.
What kind of person are you?
That's who I am.
Bad and vindictive.
I won't bring that public enemy anything.
You do it.
I have no time. I'm on hospital duty.
You could have been retired.
If someone hadn't deprived you
of a pension.
Bye, I have to go.
One sec.
-Hello. -Hi.
A beautiful stranger, a bottle of wine.
The evening ceases to be weary.
This is Anna,
my adviser on...
general matters.
And you...
I brought...
wine.
You told me
to study winemaking in Carpathia.
This is the best contender for export.
Right. I remember. One moment. Truly, I...
I asked Anna Mikhailovna.
I instructed.
This is our wine.
-Our wine. -Carpathian.
Can you imagine,
we grow grapes in Carpathia.
Anna Mikhailovna and I thought
that it wouldn't be a bad idea.
Based on the export of local wine,
we could fill state coffers.
-Thanks. -You are welcome.
You researched it well.
I don't know how to open it.
Give it here.
-Anna. -Yes?
Give me the wine.
-You took the wine. -Right.
You had a difficult day. Bye.
-Have a fun night. -Likewise.
Bye.
Take care.
This is the type of bottle...
I...
I think it's a good choice for export.
Where were we?
I was saying,
five dudes can come
from five countries to help us fight corruption.
Good.
They could arrive as soon as tomorrow.
I am not sure.
What?
I see that we're maturing?
-Maturing how? -You know.
You hired a first-class adviser.
Well, nearly. She's good enough. Well done.
What are you getting at? Anna is a professional.
-Sure. -We have a purely business relationship.
Yes. I noticed.
-So? -She was very professional.
A bottle of wine at 11 p.m. in the office of a bachelor president.
-Are you jealous? -A professional relationship.
-Well done! -What?
Insinuations!
Vasya.
-Vasya. -What?
I'm telling you again: there are five countries.
The dudes from these countries can come and help us fight corruption.
For this we need $20,000.
I told you, I like the idea.
What do you want from me?
Olya Yurievna needs to allocate
20,000, that's all.
I don't know. $20,000...
That's not easy.
Especially since we're not earning money
from wine exports yet.
I'll think of something.
-Okay. -See you tomorrow. Don't stay long.
-Later. -Bye.
Well now, shall we have a glass?
Sure.
A drink to the end of corruption.
Would you mind? I'll take it.
I want to know how we're going to export
Italian wine.
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz