Hi.
Remember your words?
Which words?
You don't know?
"I would like to say hi to my mother
and the teaching staff at school."
Stop fooling around.
You dressed up too.
What is it made of? Is it plush?
Did Oksana dress you?
You know what?
I'm a grown minister and I can choose my own suits.
I have to take a leak.
Sergei!
Call Oksana and complain.
Hi.
-Cheese up! -Cheer up.
That's what I said!
Just don't worry. I have everything under control.
Sure. I'm more worried about you.
Let's agree: don't rush and use short phrases.
You offend me.
I was on TV a million times in Armenia.
If I forget the text, I'll switch to Armenian.
-Armenian? -What? I have a small vocabulary.
But you know the word "vocabulary".
Hi, I was just looking for you. We start in three minutes.
We all are here.
You're here, but you have to be there.
On my command, we start.
Are you ordering the president?
Stop it.
By the way, you have to get a microphone,
and put make-up on.
-And pluck my eyebrows? -Let's go!
-Let's go. -Sorry.
Are you...
Are you truly ready?
-It's just what we thought of... -It's okay.
No way back now.
Everything is fine.
We checked everything.
The perimeter is clean. It's under control.
PRESIDENTIAL ADMINISTRATION OF UKRAINE
Don't steal from the table.
Go change your clothes. It's a holiday, after all.
I have time.
Misha, I'm so grateful to you.
Don't mention it.
FROM THE CREATORS OF THE IN-LAWS
Magical hands.
It's so nice to have a man around the house.
What do you mean?
I'm talking to Sveta, not you.
Mom, you sound like a broken record.
Go change, it's improper.
Why is it improper?
In front of Misha?
I could walk naked before Misha, right?
It's high time.
Come on, Mom.
Will Sergei come alone or with his plain Jane?
I don't know.
-What about Skorik? -How should I know?
Do you know anything?
Quiet. The commercial is over.
-It'll start soon. -Go change.
You and Sveta look like ragamuffins.
-What's the big deal? -Mom!
What do you think?
How do you like it?
The genuine article.
Okay, I'm off.
Why won't you be with us?
-I'm going to a concert. -Let her go!
She has her own entertainment program.
Listen kiddo, just don't come home until you find a rich bachelor.
Or two!
Everyone, quiet!
It's started.
Good evening, friends. Today, live, is The Dialogue.
I'm your host, Andrei Orlik.
I would like to greet all Ukrainians by wishing them a happy
Ukrainian Independence Day.
Today, there were many happy people on the streets,
wearing embroidered national dress
with Ukrainian symbols.
It's also customary on this day to sum up our independence.
So, I would like to talk about something else - our dependence.
Our dependence on corruption.
It's no secret that our society is addicted to it.
This is an unprecedented event in Ukrainian TV history.
Live on TV we have current Ukrainian President
Vasyl Petrovych Goloborodko.
Thank you. Thanks.
Prime Minister Yuriy Ivanovich Chuiko.
Majority parliamentary coalition leader Serhiy Leonidovych Karasiuk.
Happy Independence Day, folks!
Foreign Minister Sergei Viktorovich Mukhin.
In the studio we also have Security Service chief Mikael Tasunyan.
Let's not waste your energy and start
with the main guest of our program.
Mr President, I hasten to tell you
that our show is live and without revision.
Millions of viewers hear and see you.
Nothing can be censored, edited or deleted.
I completely understand. I spoke without notes once before.
Yes, we heard.
The whole internet heard.
That's not what I meant.
Let's talk about corruption.
The entire country is discussing your anti-graft program.
Prior to your administration, Ukraine's level of corruption
was at 142nd place.
You've had 100 days in office. Yet, Ukraine is still in 142nd place.
Next to Uganda and the Comoro Islands.
But it's warmer there, easier. There's an ocean.
Yes, our corruption
is cold and crude.
Before you, humanity has fought this phenomenon for millennia.
The Egyptians and Sumerians fought corruption.
Julius Caesar fought corruption.
All of your predecessors also fought corruption.
Tell us please,
why do you think you can eradicate it?
I'm not contending for the role of Julius Caesar.
I simply don't have enough time,
but I cannot help but try to combat it.
If not, who am I for the country?
What does corruption mean to you?
To me, a simple formula constitutes corruption.
Professor Klitgaard has spoken about this.
Corruption
is greed,
plus discretion, minus accountability.
Yeah? Why the hell are you showing him on my channel?
I would choke this puppy with my own hands.
I've had enough of this damn historian.
I said he should have been killed at once!
That issue will be handled today.
Your former anti-corruption bureau chief was so optimistic.
Dudyak recently resigned.
He didn't last two months.
The man gave up.
It's good he had a conscience.
He didn't play games with Ukrainians.
He voluntarily quit.
Sure, he proved to be an honest person.
Okay. Boris Ivanovich, I'm all ears. Continue, please.
To begin, I would like to report
on our recent successes.
An appellate court judge was arrested for taking a bribe.
Is that right?
Do you know how he explained the money?
-How? -From Christmas caroling.
Is it Judge Zvarych?
-You've heard already? -Yes.
Eight years ago.
-Any more achievements since then? -Well...
Not many, for some reason.
Why?
There are complexities.
We don't have sufficient means.
Indeed, insufficient means.
What about the case on the former energy minister?
It's closed.
Insufficient evidence.
I thought they found 42 kilograms of gold in his apartment.
It turned out to be painted aluminum.
What about the 20 Swiss watches?
Cheap Chinese knockoffs.
The whole thing was a prank by his friends.
Seriously?
That's how they said "happy birthday".
They hid the watches and called us.
Can you believe it?
By the way, I saw your bureau's activity report.
Where?
On your wife's Instagram page.
I merely stumbled upon it.
There's a few details I want to clarify with you.
-Alright. -Is this true?
Do you recognize this?
Nice picture.
You and your wife in a five-star hotel in the Maldives.
Was this a sting operation?
A special one
called "a vacation with daddy".
Or this one. A controlled buy of under-the-counter lobsters.
In the school lunchroom.
Here's another picture. Your spouse.
The sable fur coat suits her.
Is this perhaps the new uniform of the anti-corruption bureau?
There's also an amusing video.
Prosecutor's Day.
Honored officers, on this holiday, especially for you...
Lady Gaga sings.
Stunning!
A big round of applause!
The real Lady Gaga.
Louder!
That saves money?
So, you don't have sufficient means?
It's your conscience that is bereft.
Are you trying to clear yourself of blame?
Where is the former bureau chief Dudyak now?
I don't know where exactly.
He is probably
where discharged sinners live alongside officials.
Rostov-on-Don?
THE DIALOGUE
That's not the case.
He has surfaced in the ecology ministry.
First deputy head.
People noticed the commotion.
That's not a question for me.
It's one for our country's prime minister.
Why did the minister under him hire such a person?
Yuriy, please explain.
I don't think he could refuse his own son.
He should be fired!
Fire such officials
without giving them the right to have a government job.
I and our faction support the measure.
Okay, Serhiy Leonidovych,
we'll get to you and your faction later.
-Okay. -One more question, Mr President.
Recently, you started hiring people
for the new anti-corruption bureau.
Correct.
My source provided a recording of the Kharkov governor
talking with a person whose voice is strikingly similar
to one of our infamous oligarchs.
I assume you know who I'm talking about.
Their discussion is on the appointment of the regional bureau chief.
Let's listen. Look at the screen.
Are you f***ed up?
What 2 million?
What did you expect?
You want to fight corruption then pay on the spot.
For that kind of money,
I could get rid of you and appoint a new governor!
Asshole.
OLIGARCH GOVERNOR
THE DIALOGUE
Would you please comment?
I'm aware of this.
One, a criminal case was opened.
Plus, I congratulate Kharkov region,
as they have a new, honest governor.
That was a blunder.
...schoolmates.
Why only hire schoolmates?
I also went to college.
Mr President,
we admire your sense of humor, but let's get back to the point.
It's quite simple.
We're closing the anti-corruption bureau.
We concluded that controlling corruption
and the protection racket are two different things.
These functions now will be carried out
by the Security Service of Ukraine.
Excuse me, but will it control or provide protection to illegal businesses?
The Security Service chief is present. Let him answer the question.
You're being offensive.
I know what I am saying and what the Security Service really is.
It's the Service of Lawlessness.
You don't know us.
We clean up everything and everyone!
Pardon me, my colleague Mikael...
He rarely goes on live TV,
he mixes up words a bit.
Let me explain
what the Security Service chief had in mind.
He meant that a comprehensive overhaul
of the Security Service ranks is taking place.
Quite right.
Perhaps, Ukraine's Security Service chief
speaks Russian poorly, but he is doing much for Ukraine.
That is more important.
Here's a fresh example: we strengthened control.
What specifically is being done?
We placed surveillance cameras
in all state-run agencies and bodies.
A controversial decision!
Wait. Let's stick to the point.
We all just saw the benefit of cameras.
The deputy culture minister of Ukraine was detained days ago.
I suggest we watch it again. Watch the screen.
Security Service. Get out of the car.
Open the door!
What are you doing?
Get out!
Are you crazy, dimwit?
Open the door!
Will this have an impact?
Because as far as we know,
all the detained high-level officials
are being released on bail.
This individual, the deputy culture minister,
was photographed only yesterday by paparazzi in Monte Carlo.
Yet, he was under house arrest.
Maybe he has a house in Monte Carlo.
Come on, what house...
There he has...
In all seriousness though,
it's a very important and sore subject.
I think that without fair courts,
eradicating bribery in our country is impossible.
You're saying the obvious.
-I always do. -Yes.
-We all do-- -Now tell me. Please!
Answer this question. What will we do with crooked judges?
I could tell you what they did,
for example, in ancient Persia.
Once the Persian King Cambyses
ordered the execution of a judge caught taking a bribe.
After the execution, his skin was removed
and it was sewed onto his chair.
The son's judge was appointed to replace him.
He was forced to issue court rulings
sitting in the chair that his father's skin was sewn onto.
Quite edifying.
There was enough flesh for the entire chair?
The corrupt judge's table broke under the weight of food.
So with time, he grew so fat
that not only a chair could have been covered with his skin, but a sofa.
That's it.
Harsh,
but very effective, honorable judges.
We're in the 21st century.
I don't think we're going to sink to savagery.
Yuriy Ivanovich, nobody is telling you that.
Pay attention and you'll see that in the studio,
in attendance are constitutional court judges.
It looks like that account made an impression on you.
Mr President, do I understand you correctly,
that the dream of having justice is just that, a dream?
Unfortunately, not everything is in our hands.
We've tried to reform the justice system more than once.
Moreover, we submitted such a bill to parliament.
It's not that no one votes for it.
But it is never placed on the daily agenda.
Wait one second!
What do you want?
To remove all old judges?
To replace them with rookies?
How would the rookies get
their job seniority and experience?
Experience in bribe taking? Is that what we need?
-Cut it out! Don't twist my words! -No need, alright.
The dialogue is coming to a standstill.
Standstill? We took the first steps.
We proposed recruiting new, genuine judges for the court system.
For example...
A good example!
Sebastian Nikonenko.
I suggest we refresh our memories of him.
The court ruled the following...
In order to ensure proper criminal proceedings,
a preventative measure will be applied toward the defendants
in the form of remanding in custody.
Mr President,
what exactly are you proposing?
Our proposal is that a judge such as Sebastian Nikonenko,
would head a judicial panel.
Since Yuriy Ivanovich is above the justice minister, let him decide.
I would first start by verifying his sanity.
I forget,
your definition of sane people is if they take bribes.
Don't take me at face value!
Don't do that!
This is a court. One must judge, not purge sins.
Mr President.
What else did you do?
We proposed reducing
the number of judges by half.
Excuse me,
but how many more can you reduce?
In Ukraine, for every 100,000 people,
there are only 17 judges.
In Monaco, there are five times more.
You often spend time in Monaco, so you're bound to know.
Well then friends, our dialogue continues.
Let me remind you, our dialogue is on corruption.
Allow me to give the podium
to Foreign Minister Sergei Viktorovich Mukhin.
Thank you.
Corruption is like an incurable disease in our country.
As a result, the state organism
teeters on the brink of life and death.
That's how, in his book From Third World to First,
the great Lee Kuan Yew described corruption in Singapore in the 1970s.
We have applied the experience of Singapore and other countries here.
Based on America, where officials who were involved in bribery,
were sentenced to do so-called "correctional work".
For six hours a day, they were required to stand on busy city streets
holding a big sign that stated their offense.
I've seen that several times. What can I say? It was fun.
Please, watch the screen!
I STOLE FROM PENSIONERS
-Be gone, you hag! -Asshole.
How did it end?
Pouring green antiseptic on them, or being tossed into a trash can?
In Ternopol region, enraged pensioners
tossed the pension fund head,
our faction member...
It makes no difference!
A human being!
Tossed him in a trash bin!
Straight from a courtroom window
that was on the third floor!
It's a miracle he survived.
Anarchy!
We aren't Americans in this sense.
That's not debatable.
A wave of mob justice swept the country.
That's why we had to suspend the experiment.
Thank God!
Then we resorted to the experience
of countries whose history is closer to ours.
Taking after the Czechs, we initiated social censure.
In the residences of officials
who were caught in grand corruption scandals,
we organized excursions.
Let's view the report.
Let's view it.
People, walk through, don't be afraid.
We currently stand in the house
of the city's ex epidemiological center head.
Here he is.
In flesh and blood.
Come through.
His family is eating lunch.
The table is made of stained oak.
Carved chairs. You may take pictures.
Post them on social networks.
I draw your attention
to the collection of great masters.
From the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries,
purchased with bribes taken from pubs on the outskirts of Kyiv.
Taking pictures and videos is permitted and welcome.
Let's go to the bathroom,
where we'll see a long font basin of Catherine the Great.
Why clap? Why?
I know that several officials
started making money from these excursions.
They sell fridge magnets
and pictures with corrupt officials.
Mr President, with all due respect,
your new formula doesn't work,
but the old one does.
Greed begets discretion.
For it not to, people need to be put in jail.
I'll say it as straight as an arrow.
All the looted property,
the villas, palaces, castles, need to be confiscated.
Thanks.
As we speak, our tax service minister,
Mikhail Sanin, is working on a new legislative bill.
By the way, I know that Mikhail Sanin is in the studio today.
Meet the tax service chief Mikhail Ivanovich Sanin.
They are going to show Misha!
I don't get it. Which Sanin?
Are you crazy? He is in our home!
No.
He'll appear in the studio.
Really?
Dad, are you wasted already?
I beg your pardon, we are having a slight technical delay.
I'm being told that Mikhail Ivanovich isn't in the studio.
Wait, he is a dutiful person.
-Let me call him. -Sure.
-Misha! -What?
Come over here!
What?
You should be there on the TV.
See!
-Look. -Yes?
Sanin, where are you now?
At your house.
Why not in the studio?
Enough fighting corruption. Come home!
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Don't look at me like that. Home!
Dear me.
I...
I beg your pardon, Sanin is very busy at the moment.
He is in his office.
He doesn't have the day off today.
He is working on the legislative bill.
Gentlemen, let's take a short commercial break.
Stay with us. Stay with The Dialogue.
Translated by Mark P. Raczkiewycz