Haha!
No way!
Uh... Gosh!
Where's the hole?
Urgh! Argh!
Uh...
Are you having a laugh?
ALL GASP
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.
At its heart Taskmaster is a warm show
which shines a playful light on the strengths and weaknesses
of our comedian friends.
Ultimately it's just feel-good fun
that celebrates what it is to be human,
what it is to be fallible.
That's the introduction that Channel 4 signed off.
This is what I WAS gonna go with.
Come and laugh at the stupid clowns!
They can't do anything!
Laugh at them, make them feel sorry for being bad at things!
Drive them from their homes!
Form an angry mob and drive them from their actual homes!
LAUGHTER
Here they are now, please welcome Ardal O'Hanlon!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Bridget Christie!
Chris Ramsey!
Judi Love!
And Sophie Duker!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And next to me, a man who bravely confided in me recently
that he doesn't think the NHS is very good,
and that some nurses are "lazy."
LAUGHTER
It's little Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. All right.
I see, uh, from one glance
that you've taken my criticisms of this banter section to heart.
Yes, I've made an effort, I've put my gloves on, taking it serious.
Got one, got the other.
LAUGHTER There we are.
Everything all right with this hand?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I've got another arm,
I've got another arm!
LAUGHTER Yeah.Do it again.
Uh, uh... Ooh! LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE Yeah, thank you.
I'm sort of annoyed it is quite funny.
Would you please tell me what the prize category is?
I would like to do that, Mr Handsome.
Today they've been asked to bring in
the most surprising thing from their wardrobes. Hmm.
Yes, Greg will graciously bestow five points upon the person
who's brought in the most surprising thing,
and then the person who wins the episode will take home five things
that'll make their wardrobe even more surprising
than the one that had the lion, witch and the wardrobe,
but not the wardrobe in it.
SCATTERED LAUGHTER
Yes, stick to the false hand thing, probably.
LAUGHTER
Chris, you're up first. What did you bring in?
A wetsuit.
OK, here it is.
And that's surprising...?
Cos I've never used it. LAUGHTER
I too have got a wetsuit, you might be surprised to learn.
I look over nine months pregnant.
LAUGHTER
Chris, I've gotta be honest,
I'm not that surprised you've got a wetsuit. Really?
Oh, you're a young strapping lad.
I would expect you to be, uh, jumping in and out of...
I've never been in water with it. Why did you buy it?
I drove over a bridge and saw someone paddleboarding,
I went, "I'll do that,"
and I bought all the gear, and couldn't get it on,
and I got frightened, and I never did it.
Chris, I think you're doing yourself down.
A, out of points, and B... LAUGHTER
..and B, out of your capacity to be a water baby.
I think you'd be delightful. Ardal. Ha! Water baby!
More surprising than a wetsuit?
Yeah, I think it is, actually.
I brought a red leather jacket...
..that's very squeaky.
Here is the squeaky red leather jacket. Is it your leather jacket?
It is, I bought it about ten years ago. Uh...
LAUGHTER
I was not expecting that.
I am quite surprised! Have you ever worn it out, Ardal?
No, no. I've never even tried it on.
Oh, it's an act of madness, is what it is.
Yeah, and at the time I didn't know it squeaked.
And I, I really don't like squeaky clothes.
He is famous for that.
Some day I'm going to get to wear it.
I mean, if I'm elected... mayor.
Why don't you wear it for the finale of this series?
Ardal, quite surprising.
Sophie, surprise me.
I brought in biscuits.
Biscuits.
This is hard for me to say.
I don't own a wardrobe.
Some of us are struggling.
LAUGHTER
I'm struggling to buy,
so, I moved into my room, it was unfurnished.
And you can't afford a wardrobe?
I can now afford a wardrobe, but I haven't yet made the purchase.
- OK. - I'm a millennial.
We don't rush into... I've had to buy a lot of brunch. I haven't.
If you don't have a wardrobe, where did you get the biscuits out of?
I think you may have misunderstood the task.
OK, so, I don't have wardrobe but I have a sort of like, drawer.
- A drawer? - It's like a window seat.
You know when you're in a room and you're like,
there's no storage in here?
A chest. No, it's not a chest, it's built into the window.
Oh, my God, I'm so bored. LAUGHTER
It's amazing!
For someone who's struggling,
they look like very expensive biscuits.
They ARE expensive biscuits!
Yeah. You're surprised there are nice biscuits in my fascinating...
I'm surprised, but not for the right reasons.
Two left. Judi.
In my wardrobe, my surprising thing was a nurse's outfit.
LAUGHTER
The thing is, obviously I do videos and all kinds of stuff, so...
What do you mean?
LAUGHTER
Just to be clear, cos Alex is quite naive.
No, like, sometime I dress up in my, you know, little outfit,
and I play to myself, and look in the mirror, and pump,
and save someone's life in my imagination.
And, you know, create this whole world of ER,
and all those kind of places.
It's like she's speaking in tongues, isn't it? I don't know what to say.
I mean, you'd wanna come and play, honestly.
It's... it's a beautiful...
LAUGHTER
Bridget, can you beat Judi's surprising nurse outfit?
Well, I have brought in an antique Japanese kimono.
I bought it specifically for you.
About 17 years ago I saw it in a charity shop window,
and I thought there's only one person I know
who's big enough to wear that.
So, I looked it up it's actually worth thousands. I didn't realise.
And I think if you wore this, this beautiful piece...
Yeah. You've had multiple opportunities
to find me and give me my gift.
You tell me, tell me then, when I could've given you this.
You, you tell. At any point in the last 17 years.
LAUGHTER "Oh, hi, Greg..."
I'm not the Scarlet Pimpernel. I live in London.
"Oh, remember me, from...?" I put it to you...
No, I put it to you! I put it to you.
Not only do I put it... I, put it back to you,
that you bought that kimono not realising it was expensive.
You were going to give it to me,
then you found out it was worth something,
and you kept it for yourself!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I am horrified!
Don't clap! Don't clap him.
LAUGHTER
You're not surprised I got you a kimono? I cannot believe it.
No, I am surprised. I'm more surprised
that you haven't given it to me.
So, you're getting big surprise points, for the wrong reasons.
Well, it didn't say in the task,
"Surprise him for the right reason."
LAUGHTER
True again, true. She makes a good point.
Yeah. Well do you wanna hand out some points? Yes, I do.
I'm sorry, Chris, I must give you one point.
OK, one point to Chris Ramsey. Oh!
You can thank me for two points, for your weird biscuits.
Two to Sophie.
I'm not surprised you've got a nurse's outfit.
You and I can talk that out later. OK, you see?
Did you hear that, yeah? Three points.
I am desperate to see you in that red jacket,
I'm gonna give it four points.
And I think this is a hollow victory,
because you surprised me for the wrong reasons.
Nonetheless I'm surprised, I'll give you the five.
There we go. Well, thank you. Five points to Bridget Christie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'd like to have a new task, please.
OK, well, we have a little taster of a task, first of all.
An hor d'oeuvre, or a canape,
a titbit to get the juices flowing,
an appetiser, perhaps, or an aperitif.
It's a... Do you wanna shut up?!
LAUGHTER
DISCORDANT PIANO MELODY
Hello, Alex.
There's something moving in there.
Oh.
"Make this key difficult but possible to retrieve."
"You have ten minutes."
"And your time starts now."
Well, who's retrieving it?
Who do you think's gonna retrieve it?
Well, I don't think you'd pay for animals
to come and retrieve it, cos they're expensive.
Is it difficult for someone else to retrieve,
or difficult for me to get it back?
All the information's on the task.
There's no more information.
I'd like to go outside.
You'd like to go outside? I think so. OK.
I mean, I could swallow it, but that wouldn't be much fun. For anyone.
ALEX: It would be fun for quite a lot of us.
Hmm. The retrieving part wouldn't be much fun for you.
- That's true. - Trust me.
Urgh! That was difficult.
How difficult is it to retrieve it?
It's... it's difficult. If you're short...
You have a go.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Don't know what that is. Can I have that? Yeah?
That's the key. Thank you.
Oh, you're going up it? Yeah.
Well, I know where it went and I can't retrieve it.
But you reckon it's possible? I reckon it's possible.
I'm just gonna...
Where's the key?
Ah. It was in my mouth.
LAUGHTER The key is in the tree.
So, it's in a basket, in a tree, and it's wet.
It's covered in my spit.
Tick. Yeah.
What's it, difficult to...?
But possible.
Is that it?
That is going in there.
So, that key is now difficult but possible to retrieve.
I would... Yeah.
APPLAUSE
Judi, you were asked to make it difficult to retrieve.
Yeah, but you guys muddled the words.
Both occasions you just popped it somewhere. Uh, the last one...
Yeah? ..Is difficult. Then you came good.
Try once, try twice.
Sort of contrast, seeing Sophie clamber up a tree
and then cover the key in flob.
LAUGHTER
Chris, I appreciated yours. Nice, simple system.
Tie the key to something, throw it up a tree, thank you.
Ardal, what did you do with yours? I put it in a tree.
Oh, yeah, in a tree, as well. A lot of people threw it up a tree.
Good. Let's crack on. Yeah.
We'll find out on later on how they've done.
That's only half the task.
Uh, but now it's time for...
HIGH-PITCHED: five.
And that is a high-five.
EERIE MUSIC
OK. Lovely. Here we all are. Number three.
Number three, yes.
And now you can open the task.
ARDAL: Chris, you go for it this time.
"Give Alex a high-five."
"The third fastest high-fiver wins."
"If you are the first or the last you will receive no points."
"You must high-five Alex in the next ten minutes."
"Your time starts now."
You're not a team any more.
For this one there is only one winner out of the five of you.
ARDAL: Oh.
And that's the person who high-fives me third.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Did you understand the task? No.
- Sophie, did you understand? - I understood the task.
Yeah? You did? Yeah. Really?
GREG: Can you just explain it?
So, it was, you had to be third to do the high-five. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
Well, shall we let her process it for a little bit longer,
and see the boys first? Yeah, let's do that.
I should explain they came separately as teams to this,
and we comped them together with the magic of television. It was amazing.
First to give me a bit of skin, it's the boys. Here we go.
So, someone's done it first. Someone'll do it last.
They don't get any points.
And you wanna be third.
All that we will know is who goes first between us. Yeah.
So, nobody is realistically gonna make a move
before nine minutes have gone.
Or did someone do it straightaway?
Oh, this is horrible.
OK, so, who's gonna jump the gun?
Judi is gonna do it straightaway. She's gonna be first.
You think? Yeah.
Chris, are you thinking you wanna do it before Ardal or after Ardal?
ARDAL: While he's thinking...
CHRIS LAUGHS Oh, wow.
OK, so, I can either be guaranteed second here, or guaranteed last.
You're definitely not gonna be first, Chris.
BIRD CHIRPS Shut up.
LAUGHTER
Good high-five.
ALEX: OK.
Can I have another go?
I mean, if you went again, there is a chance you'd be third.
There's a slight chance.
I can never be third, can I?
Yeah. So, you can't come last now, Chris. No.
Or first. No.
You've got a point. You've done me a real favour, thank you.
So, I'm first, third, and last? And second. No, I'm not second.
You could be second.
I could be first, second, third, fourth and last.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've covered all the bases.
I can do no more than that.
I'm just gonna just go one more time, just in case.
LAUGHTER
- So, that's your third high-five. - Yeah.
And you know what?
And because I have no idea what's going on, there we go.
- All right. - There's just no way I can lose.
WHISTLE PEEPS You were very greedy, Ardal.
I was a bit. You were very greedy.
APPLAUSE
Ardal, can I ask why you thought I would be first?
That I thought you'd be first?
Well, I think you're first amongst... women. I mean... Ooh!
LAUGHTER
We break, because we must.
Just time for your partner to clip their toenails in front of you
and for you to wonder where the mystery's gone.
See you in a bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, thank you. Welcome back to part two.
Yes, the second best part.
There was a sort of team task going on before the break.
In their separate groups they're trying to work out
when best to high-five me
to become the third high-fiver out of all five competitors.
Tricky.
The first and last to high-five me get no points at all.
There's a ten-minute cap, and just to drill it in,
the third high-fiver wins.
Next up, it's the girls, with some unorthodox approaches.
We could all tactically work together.
No, we can't, cos we can't all be third.
Yeah, you're not a team anymore. We're not a team?
Not for this task.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE Sorry!
OK.
I just took the risk.
Well, you still might be the third fastest.
Well, at least you know the first and fifth won't win, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. So, you've both got a chance.
How many minutes had gone until I, when I...?
No minutes. About 20 seconds.
No. Really? Mm-hmm.
No, uh, oh. 20 seconds?
No, seriously it was about a minute, though, wasn't it?
A minute in, it was a minute in. Oh, man!
Yeah, but you still don't know if you would've been... No!
No, I think she's first. I think I...
I really sacrificed myself! I should've done it...
LAUGHTER What the hell was I thinking?
Do I need to do it now?
They might not go.
No, I'm doing it.
Oh, that's a great high-five.
We've had at least two high-fives now.
Yeah, well, they've both gone now, so... Yeah.
I can do whatever I want.
You'll either be third, fourth or fifth, Bridget.
Bridget, I think you should go. I want to do it at ten.
You wanna do it at ten, OK. No, I'm gonna do it at nine...
59? 58, and I'm gonna run.
You can't wait, babes! You've gotta go and high-five him.
What you waiting for? The third fastest!
It might not be the third one who does it,
it's the period between here and there, isn't it? What?!
That's how you're interpreting it, is it?
Right.
Ten! Oh!
Ah, oh!
Two seconds! Oh. Now, Bridget!
SCREAMING
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, my God.
Well, I didn't predict it would go like that. You may now leave.
After you, queen. Bye! That was really stressful.
APPLAUSE
There was a confidence to you, Sophie,
that I don't really understand.
You seemed to have absolute faith in your system.
Yeah. I think my confidence was bolstered by the fact
that Judi just went for it.
LAUGHTER That would've helped.
Look, at the end of the day,
I wanted to not just be the third,
but I wanted to be the fastest third.
Bridget, you also did not understand the task. Oh, I...
I am absolutely, uh... You keep offending me.
So, I thought that it would be very exciting
to high-five on zero, and it was.
LAUGHTER
And also, I thought that by sacrificing myself
you would think that was quite a dignified thing to do
and give me one point.
Incorrectly.
LAUGHTER
All right, shall I show you how it all played out, Greg? Please. OK.
"Your time starts now."
That was the first of the high-fives.
Wow, OK.
So, if we can leave it long enough to think
they may not have done it yet.
They might have not gone. They might not go.
No, they got... No, I'm doing it.
Ooh. That's a great high-five.
I'm gonna go when it hits three minutes.
There we go. There's just no way I can lose.
Look at Alex's face!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Can I just say I didn't know what the hell was going on?
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Does that feel good? That feels good. Feel good.
So, we know categorically that Judi went first,
so, doesn't get any points at all. Correct.
We also know that Sophie went third, so, gets five points.
So, well done, Sophie, congratulations.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We also know that Ardal did it second, fifth, sixth and seventh. Yeah.
But the person who went last didn't get points.
Did he do it last, or did Bridget do it last?
Cos she didn't do it at all within the time.
I'm not going to penalise Ardal.
Well, there we go, five points to Sophie,
four to Chris, and four to Ardal, and that's it.
APPLAUSE
Can I see how the scores are looking please, Alex?
Yes, you can. Well, with those four points
Ardal moves into first place with eight points. Judi's on three.
Lovely.
APPLAUSE
You will give me another task.
Yes, I will. And we've gone big budget at last,
because this one involves tanks. AUDIENCE GASP
Hello.
Hello, Sophie. Hi.
Oh!
Listen, there's a tub of water next to me.
This shit ain't getting wet. OK. I need you to know that.
OK. OK.
A Greek statue. Looks very like you.
One big ball down there by your leg. Hmm.
"Make the water level rise to the top of the big fish tank."
"You have 15 minutes to gather six things,
"then you must put all six things in the big fish tank."
Why do you keep saying big?
Oh, cos there's another one.
"You may not put anything in the big fish tank
"before 15 minutes are up.
"And if any water leaves the big fish tank at any point
"you are disqualified."
"But it has to be six things, no less."
Can't be five, can't be seven.
So, I have to gather the things.
You can wait until they come to you, but I would go.
"You may not put anything in the big fish tank
"before the 15 minutes are up."
"Closest water level to the top of the big fish tank wins.
"No fish tanks may leave this room. Your time starts now."
Are you saying that I must make the water rise?
You've gotta make the water rise when you put the things in.
So, what am I doing with this? That's up to you.
APPLAUSE
Water displacement, isn't it?
Yes, I thought it was quite a simple task about water displacement.
I thought it was a very simple task,
but it seemed to absolutely baffle everybody.
Right, shall we crack on? Let's crack on.
Remember, no fish tank can leave the room.
So, let's begin with two people
who are great at reading and remembering things,
it's Bridget and Sophie.
"No fish tanks may leave this room." That's good.
They've put a little joke in there. OK.
This is my test tank.
You cannot take them out of this room.
Which I think is a silly sentence to put in there, to be honest with you.
Test tank, but, yeah, it's a test tank.
KLAXON
Ooh, can I put some water in there, then?
All the information is on that task.
Oh, my God. He just keeps repeating himself.
Is that what you do at home?
God. Interminable.
Yes, so, I'm going to, I'm gonna take my lolly as well.
KLAXON
APPLAUSE
So, what wasn't shown in that clip
is that I did realise that I wasn't meant to take the tank out.
And I nearly had a nervous breakdown.
She did. And I said, "I'm gonna make this right."
And I said to Alex,
"Will the Taskmaster forgive me if I made it right?"
LAUGHTER
Bridget. Indefensible. I've got nothing to say. Rubbish.
Oh, really? Oh, let me bait you anyway.
LAUGHTER
What I wrote down was,
"I've said it before and, and I'll say it again..."
Yeah. "..But I really think this show is ruining your reputation
"as someone with a brain in their nut."
LAUGHTER
Sort of rude, and not funny either.
LAUGHTER
Right, let's crack on.
OK, well, now it's for my hero.
Sorry, the star of My Hero, it's Ardal O'Hanlon.
- Hi, Ardal. - Hi.
Start with this.
- Have you finished putting that in? - Yeah, the mallet's in now, yeah.
That's exactly what I wanted to happen there.
The statue has gone in.
The satsumas.
And they're doing exactly what I wanted them to do, as well.
Now I'm gonna put a quantity of water in.
- Can you be more specific? - Uh, no I don't have to be.
So that's a portion of the quantity.
LAUGHTER
You know, I'm gonna leave it there.
APPLAUSE
I don't know if that was six items.
Well, will I allow a quantity of water, I guess,
is gonna be the debate, isn't it?
He argued it was brick, satsuma, mallet, statue, satsuma and water.
Those are his six things.
So, satsumas twice, water's once, but there was two types of...
I did feel a little bit smug.
I mean, that was the only, like,
if there's marks being deducted for smugness I will accept that.
If you put smugness in, as well, that's seven items.
I'm gonna allow his quantity of water. OK. Yeah,
You don't put "waters" in, do you? You put water in.
You may have won the task but you've lost some friends.
There is that! A sacrifice I'm prepared to make.
LAUGHTER
Right, don't channel hop,
we've got a space laser trained on your home.
See you in a bit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.
Little Alex Horne, can you please remind Judi
what was going on before the break?
Yes, of course. Hi, Judi. Hello.
I don't know if you remember,
but we were in the middle of a task
where you all had to try and raise the level
of the water in a fish tank, by putting six items in it.
Closest to the top wins, Judi. Mm-hmm.
We've grouped you with Chris, Chris is a nice young man sat next to you.
OK. I'm gonna show your VT right now. Here we go. Argh!
I'm scared, cos this seems really simple.
What do you think you're gonna do?
In a perfect world you'd have one, two,
like six bibles.
I just wanna see.
Quite a scientific approach.
Oh, there's a lot of, there's a lot of similar shapes here.
I think five playing cards in that.
When I go in the bath, it comes up.
I need something heavy. Something heavy.
That's not a real bookshelf! That would've helped.
Will this fit in the tank?
That's gonna float.
That's gonna float! That's gonna float in there!
JUDI: That works a little bit.
Why was that there? Right.
SHE GASPS I've made my pick.
Right, let's do it.
One is the case. Two, three, four, five, six.
I'm gonna go for it and put them in there.
LAUGHTER
It's floating like two dicks! Why is it floating?
That didn't happen when it was in there.
What's in this water?
Oh, you've set me up.
OK.
KLAXON
Some water came out straightaway.
How is that not heavy enough?
OK.
Come on, girl. Be a gulper.
I think that's the best. Finished? Yeah.
Thanks, Judi. Urgh!
APPLAUSE
You both had very strong instant impulses.
Yours was, "This is easy, I just need six bibles."
LAUGHTER
Have you put bibles in water before to raise water levels? Uh, no.
No. And you did exactly the same, straight out the room,
get a small amount of water and a loaf of bread,
put that in there.
Um, obviously Judi's gone straight into the Taskmaster book of quotes,
by saying of a bunch of bananas, "It's floating like two dicks."
LAUGHTER
What about when you walk in the bathroom
and your partner's in there? Me personally?
No, someone's partner, you walk in,
and he's in the bathroom having a whale of a time,
relaxing, and then you just see...
SHE HUMS THEME FROM JAWS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Who hasn't seen their willy float up
to the theme from Jaws? She's right.
She ended up doing pretty well, 1.8 centimetres from the top. Oh, wow.
Although I should say Chris got very close to discovering
the actual right way to do it.
Can I show you this? Oh!
Why was that there? Right.
APPLAUSE
So close.
So, points. Yes, Judi does get four points with her 18 millimetres,
but Ardal gets five points with his water system.
Well done, Ardal O'Hanlon. Well done, Ardal. The rest, zero.
APPLAUSE
Yes, no points to anyone else. Never mind, let's have another one.
Right, I have a task ready,
and this one might explain why nobody ever takes my phone calls.
Hello.
65.
65. 62.
Is there a reason why I've got this bushy thing in my face?
Yeah? That's about 51.
Short-staffed? 61.
"Answer Alex's phone call."
"If you find a cuddly toy you must carry it with you
"until you answer Alex's phone call."
"Also, you must be making a noise over 50 decibels
"for at least 50% of the time."
"Until you..." This is, what, 62 decibels?
Yeah, 62. "until you answer Alex's phone."
"Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
I'm just keeping an eye on your sound.
And I've gotta hear the phone.
Yeah, can you hear a phone?
I don't know.
I wanna hear some noise.
Oh, uh, you wanna hear some noise.
What kind of noise do I need to make, any noise?
Whatever you want. Anything over 50.
Any noise at all, any noise at all.
PHONES RING
APPLAUSE
Lovely. Lovely. I don't think there's much to discuss.
Let's crack on. Let's crack on.
All right, three of them up first. Ardal, Judi and Chris.
All trying to answer the phone the fastest, for you,
Greg Davies, the Taskmaster. Let's go.
PHONE RINGS OK.
You're being very quiet at the moment.
- What? - You're being very quiet.
Oh, sorry, yes.
Erm... HE ROARS
Raaaargh!
HE GROWLS AND ROARS LAUGHTER
ALEX: No, no, I'm calling it.
- Why are you chasing me? - I want to answer your phone.
But this is the phone I'm calling with.
You can't answer the same phone someone's calling.
Oh, sorry.
PHONE RINGS
I don't know what that noise is. Come on!
Where we going? No, is it this way? Is this it?
I need 50... I don't know, what? Yeah, just for 50% of the time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where's the phone?
Oh, here's a cuddly toy.
You're not supposed to be looking for them. Where's a phone?
HE GROWLS AND ROARS
HE GRUNTS
SHOUTING AND ROARING
What do I do?! Stop! Is that it?
Have you answered the phone? Is it a phone?
It's a tape. Oh, no!
OK. Might be outside. Let's go, let's go.
Oh!
That's not a phone, that's a...
Where...? These are so old!
I've just remembered I've left the teddy bear.
Come back, quick, come on. Keep going! Argh!
PHONE RINGS
Oooh! Oh.
Greg!
Ah, no, you need me to be calling.
This is a decoy, as well?
At least you got another cuddly toy. Argh!
Have you got the phone on you? Give me the phone.
I don't have the phone. So, where's the phone?
Where's the damn phone?
I feel like I've looked everywhere. I'm scared!
Is this...? Well, there's a phone box here.
Ooh.
Oh, there it is!
What's it say, Chris? "You must not break this box."
Um, I don't have a key.
But I suspect I know where the key is.
- Where's the key, Ardal? - In a possible to retrieve place.
The key! Where's the key?
On the bush. The key's on the bush?
Oh, my God! Right.
If you could place it there, that'd be great.
- OK. - Thank you very much.
Can you see it? Uh, no.
Where's the key? Where's the key?
Clock's ticking.
You're being very quiet up there.
HE GROWLS AND LAUGHS
Argh! Argh! Argh!
Hey! Argh!
- Any sign? - Yeah, I've found the key.
Oh, great.
Oh!
There it is. Oh, oh!
Come on!
Hello! Hi, Judi, it's Alex here. I'm gonna stop the clock.
I've got some stuff in my mouth.
Stick, stick!
Get on the stick, you prick! Get on the stick, you prick!
You prick, get on the stick!
Hello?
- I've stopped the clock. - Thank you.
Is that you, Chris? Yes. I'm gonna stop the clock.
Thank you.
Beat that, Anneka Rice!
She's not in this series. OK.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yeah, Anneka, beat that.
I enjoyed, "Get on the stick, you prick."
LAUGHTER
Gotta have a catchphrase.
Well, he was also the only one with any real urgency.
Ardal was largely committed to being a human bear...
LAUGHTER
..and Judi was wandering around
as if she was just at a market, browsing.
Yes, well, out of the three of them she was the slowest, I'm afraid.
Who was the slowest? Judi Love.
LAUGHTER
Who was the fastest, Chris? Out of these three, no.
It was Ardal O'Hanlon, 10 minutes 12.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I was too distracted by the crazy bear. Well done.
It's the end of part three.
Come back soon to the only show on television
where you might see Sophie Duker win a giant kimono
for a wardrobe that doesn't exist.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! You're good, good people for coming back to me.
There's a task hanging in the balance.
Alex, bring us up to speed, so that we can finish this thing.
Right you are. They are trying to answer a call from me,
but the phone is hidden.
There are lots of decoy phones to annoy them,
and when they do find the right phone it's in a locked box,
and the key is in a difficult but possible to retrieve place.
It's just Bridget and Sophie left. Here we go.
OK, I'm listening. I've found a cuddly toy.
PHONE RINGS Are you coming?Yes.OK.
Oh, there's a little toy.
It's not ringing. It's ringing. No, it's not!
This is where we started, wasn't it?
PHONE RINGS Yes, are we going back?
What are we doing again?
You're trying to answer my phone call. Clock's ticking, Bridget.
SHE LAUGHS Oh, yeah. Are we on the clock?
Yeah. Hi, I'm just looking.
Stop talking to the camera people. Oh.
There's too many toys.
I'm gonna carry them... here.
Ah. Yeah. I suppose so. Let's go.
You have to answer the phone before everyone else answers the phone.
I don't know where the phone is, though.
I can hear something.
Oh, no.
This just needs a key.
Are they going on an adventure?
Yeah. They're going on an adventure.
If I do this we won't have to chit-chat.
No, good.
POT CLANGS OK.
No, that's not ringing.
Oh, we're back in here. Yes.
God, has it been in here all the time?
Can my children wait at the bottom of the tree?
I think they might have to.
POT CLANGS I'm a bit sick of going in here.
Me too!
OK! Urgh!
Oh, where else might there be a phone?
In the shed! No, I've been in there.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
POT CLANGS
Hello? Is that Sophie? Yes, this is me.
I've stopped the clock.
POT CLANGS
Oh, I don't believe it!
I've got the key in my boot!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, hello. I've stopped the clock.
If I had got here quicker
then I'd probably have done all right in that task,
cos I had the key. Yes.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, there was one bit to get a clip of,
because I think it's sort of a metaphor
for the pointlessness of life.
Just this clip, here.
POT CLANGS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Banging her... pot.Yeah.
CHRIS: It's what the show does to you!
It does. That's perfect. You've nailed it.
It's probably what led Sophie to climb a tree
with a load of cuddly toys down her trousers.
LAUGHTER
I think I had pandas in my cooch when I climbed that tree.
LAUGHTER And I was...
That's a first. Do you mind if I just...?
No-one's ever said that before.
"Pandas in my cooch." Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER
You took 19 minutes and five seconds altogether.
JUDI: Wow!
So far in last place, but we haven't heard Bridget's facts yet.
23 minutes and one second, so, I'm afraid it's... Ah.
That is a wow.
And with that, Bridget gets one point, Sophie two,
Judi three, Chris four, but the winner, again,
is Ardal O'Hanlon with five points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's have a quick look at the series scores.
The series scores, all right.
At the bottom of the pile at the moment, it's Judi with 66,
then it's Ardal with 71,
but just above, Sophie with 72,
Bridget, 79, Chris on 80.
So, it's pretty tight at this stage.
JUDI: Wow. Tight at the top.
All right, everyone, please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, no need to explain, I think we know what's going on here.
Who's gonna read the task out, silly boy?
I would like Bridget Christie to read the task please, Greg.
"Pop three red balls out of your hole.
LAUGHTER
"You may only pop out one ball at a time.
"If you pop out a black ball you must stop popping out balls,
"and scream for five seconds.
"If you pop out a white ball,
"everyone must stop popping out balls
"and dance like a worm for five seconds.
"If you pop out a duck, you are disqualified.
"Also, you must stare lovingly at the Taskmaster..."
I'm not doing that bit.
LAUGHTER
"you must stare lovingly at the Taskmaster throughout the task.
"Fastest wins."
Thank you, Bridget.
I'll let you know if you have to scream or dance.
LAUGHTER
Sophie's loving look is quite threatening.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You'll make me blush, Ardal.
Your time starts... WHISTLE PEEPS
And off they go. Lovingly, Judi. Lovingly.
Oh, we've got a black ball.
CHRIS SCREAMS
White ball, white ball!
Everyone dance. Everyone dance, everyone dance.
LAUGHTER
WHISTLE PEEPS
Off you go again. Keep going, keep going, keep going.
Keep looking at the Taskmaster, please.
CHRIS SCREAMS WHISTLE PEEPS
Judi is out. Judi has popped a duck.
OK, Ardal, please scream.
ARDAL SCREAMS Everyone dance, please.
There's a white one. Everyone dance. Everyone dance, please.
Everyone dance. Except for Judi who's disqualified.
Why am I disqualified? Cos you popped out a duck.
LAUGHTER
WHISTLE PEEPS OK, carry on.
Get some red balls, please. Thank you.
CHRIS SCREAMS
WHISTLE PEEPS Everyone dance, please.
White ball, everyone dance.
LAUGHTER
We have one red ball.
She's really intimidating me.
WHISTLE PEEPS Look at him.
Scream, Bridget.
How are we doing, everyone all right?
Judi's furious cos she popped a duck.
Scream, please, Ardal. Scream please, Bridget.
ARDAL SCREAMS Everyone dance. Everyone dance.
White ball. Dance and scream.
SCREAMING
WHISTLE PEEPS Carry on.
It's a red one for Bridget, that's lovely. There's a red one.
Thank God, thank God. A red one for Sophie.
Two red balls for Chris.
Scream please, Ardal, scream.
ARDAL SCREAMS Please look at the Taskmaster.
Look at the Taskmaster, please, Sophie.
WHISTLE PEEPS Bridget's won, Bridget's won.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look at me, please.
Sophie's second! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Everyone dance. It's a white one, please.
Chris and Ardal, have a dance, please.
LAUGHTER
It's just one red to come. One pop up.
Look at the Taskmaster lovingly. Lovingly!
Oh! WHISTLE PEEPS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Perfectly reasonable.
LAUGHTER
We'll add that up, we'll add it to the final score, come and join me.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, well, well.
A lot of fun. A lot of fun.
Everyone really enjoy that?
No. SOPHIE: No.
Do you wanna give Judi a point or not? She was disqualified.
Yeah, well, let's not be monstrous. We'll give her a point.
Got a point. Got your duck out, just stood there looking angry.
LAUGHTER
Sorry, did you...?
I was just having a little... chuckle.
LAUGHTER
Ardal should be chuckling, cos the scoreboard is extraordinary.
Bridget, Chris and Judi all have 11, Sophie 13,
but Ardal's got 21 points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ardal O'Hanlon is the winner!
Please go and scoop up your surprising wardrobe stuff.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that life can be brutal,
but no matter who's upset you,
how crushed you are by disappointment,
what hurdles you have to try and overcome,
things could always be worse.
POT CLANGS
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
That is half of this series done. Well done, you.
But well done mainly to tonight's winner... Ardal O'Hanlon!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media